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Hello little red/orange light. You shine out at me in a comforting glow and envelope me with your promise. I’m glad you found your way into my day. You beckon to me with that cute little number which signifies action and attention, a shift in the cyber universe, whilst the real one was spinning. I yearn for your presence everyday and today you have found me. As I reach for my mouse, my heart starts to pound, who…what? One click and you are gone to reveal your secret beneath. And your secret today…. Chris requests that you help him make two thousand pancakes at Cafe World, after he harvested and milled the two thousand wheat crops he grew on Farmville.

Facebook notifications, you gotta love them!

But what if real life came with notifications? What if that blinking, bubble of a red light appeared with really useful information in real time?

Here are fourteen notifications I would like to see in real life. The characters referred to in these notifications are purely fictional to protect the guilty and I have taken these names from lists of unusual children’s names. I apologise in advance if your name or a relative’s appears on this list.

The clerk at the dry-cleaners found your sunglasses which you left there yesterday and has sold them on E Bay.

Kermit pushed his supermarket trolley into your car whilst it was parked at the mall and caused that big dent in the driver’s side door.

Kermit has no money to speak of and he has a wife who is a mean lawyer.

Decimus knows the obscure word which is the answer to  twenty-two down to complete that five hundred clue crossword that has sat on your coffee table for two months.

Puck is jealous and is stalking your every move in real life and on-line and looks at your profile every hour on the hour.

Laviszia has no intention of calling you, despite kissing you on both cheeks today with a breezy, “so great to see you, we must get together, hun, will call you.”

Although he denied it, Macky put his finger through the chocolate frosting on that cake you have been icing for the last hour and saving for guests.

Macky commented that it tasted delicious.

Goncalo placed the television remote control on the sofa cushion next to him and it has fallen behind the sofa where you will never find it.

Your bum really does look big in that.

You sat down at this computer three hours ago to check the timetable for the bus which in fact left two hours ago .. why are you still here?

Kerripaula just white-anted you.

The dog just let off gas.

No, trust me, it really was the dog this time.

These I think would be most helpful.

What notifications would you like to see?