Baby, You Must Drive Your Car, Beep, Beep Yeah

Which much thanks to the Beatles for allowing me to bastardise their lyrics for the title to this post, I once again turn the key to the engine to my blog and take her out for a spin.

butterflies emerging It’s been an intriguing nine months or so since I last put fingers to keyboard. Enough time in which to create a human being or in fact move along the timeline of parenting stages. I’ve learned that I am no longer the mother of two teenagers, but rather one teenager and one emerging adult. This leaves me bemused, happy, sad and more than a little ill prepared. So in typical Curtain Raising fashion, I’ve been pulling at the curtain chords trying to work out exactly what is required to parent an emerging adult. This in introvert speak means ordering every book published on the topic.

Actually, is parenting even the right word? Is there, in fact, a statute of limitations on the use of the word parenting when referencing an emerging adult?

Talk about holy letting go, Batman!

None of it has been easy, hence the blog down time. Trying to be humorous whilst being barraged with a whole lot of uncertainty is a bit like trying to work an Iphone with a glove on. Sometimes you just have to put the damn thing down and finish what needed to be done with the glove first.

So here I am gloves off and back with another post, once again trying to make sense of the parenting journey.

About a month ago I received a lovely email from Donna L who wrote:

As a mother with two teenage daughters, I commonly find myself referencing the information on Raising the Curtain. I wanted to give you a quick shout and let you know all of the great information and tools you have provided me to acting as responsible parent to my children. I shared your website link with my group of Moms on my Facebook page, who I know will find value in your site

This is so cool, Donna L. Bless you and your Facebook page, mother’s group and your two teenage daughters.

It’s cool because we connected and I helped you and that makes me happy.

I had no expectation of ever doing that when I started this blog for I am no parenting expert. There have been many times over the last few months of hiatus where I have thought I’m not a particularly good parent, so to receive an email like this makes the doubts a little easier to bear.

As parent, I think we all have them. And just to know that I can provide some clarity that may muffle those nasty voices in our parenting heads is a wonderful compliment. So thankyou Donna L.

Donna also kindly asked me to write about the topic of teenage texting and driving. So, Donna, I am happy to oblige you.

I think we have all been in circumstances where you look at the person in the car next to yours and think “What the…?” Not because they are doing anything racy, but because they are doing everything but driving. I mean where in the learner’s manual does it teach you how to drive and:

shave
apply makeup
write with a pen and paper
make breakfast
read a book
get dressed?????

And that’s possibly all at the same time!!

Photo courtesy of freedigitalphotos.net

Is it any wonder then, that our teens are texting and driving? I mean look at all that’s been possible even in the pre digital era? Having driven in the US last year, on my Curtain Raising straw poll, the problem seems to be much more prevalent over there. It is scary what some people will do whilst hurdling down the Interstate.

We live in a multi-tasking world and unfortunately that together with FOMO (fear of missing out) has entered our teens’ motor vehicles.

Mr Gottlieb here shares some good tips on how to talk to your teens about the issue. And talk we must, but we must also lead by example. That means when we drive we do not multitask. Otherwise when we talk to our kids, it’s just noise. Even talking on a mobile hands free whilst driving, listening to music through ear buds or so loud that it makes your doors rattle can be distracting.

So how do we teach our children to focus whilst they are in a vehicle filled with other teens? I am not a big fan of showing kids carnage to try and change behaviour. They get carnage on the nightly news, so much so they have become desensitised to it. To me the key is mateship and understanding that your actions can do lifelong damage to your mate. To do the right thing by said mate you have to deliver the cargo safely at the end of the night. Guilt is a poor substitute for friendship and no text in the world is worth that.

What’s the worst thing you have seen a driver do in a moving vehicle whilst driving?

Cut From The Same Cloth

Every closest has a deepest darkest recess. Yesterday I ventured into mine. Not lightly, but it had to be done.

This was not a cleaning or clearing expedition, it was in fact a hunt borne out of a little desperation.

Only a little, mind you.

I decided I was going to wear a proper suit to work.

Now, I work in an office and have been wearing tailored gear, so it’s not as if I haven’t been dressing up. It’s just that what it means to be a professional has changed for me. At some point I reached that zone where being good at what I do is less about convincing others that I am and more about projecting my self-worth and confidence in knowing I am good at what I do. This is not hubris or arrogance, I know there are ways I can do better and I consciously put myself in positions where I have to learn every day. It’s just self belief. Guys tend to be quite good at it. Women, not so much, we tend to only put ourselves out there when we have ticked every box. Guys maybe tick one box or tend to have a go when they think they could tick at least one box if given the opportunity. There are masses of women’s publications devoted to this very topic trying to nudge women to move away from perfection.

Whatever you want to call it, self belief was a lesson that took me 40+ years to learn.

And with it came a wardrobe (and job) change.

Now my work wardrobe reflects who I am. Whilst I have never been tempted to pull out the little pink sequined number with purple Doc Martins ahead of a business meeting, manly because I don’t own any of these, I have given myself permission to move away from the classic suit. It has been quite the liberation.

One small step for mankind, a huge leap for the Curtain Raiser!

But back to the bowels of my closet and suit day. I’m not sure why the reason for the suit, there was no high powered meeting or function. I just felt like it, and that’s a revelation in itself.

Hey pal, how many of those grey numbers do you have?

So I gingerly approached my closet’s bowels and starting pulling out suit options. First one, then another and then another trying to figure out which one would work. I hadn’t laid eyes on these for a couple of years, so there was a short period of reacquainting and reminiscence. And as I began laying them out in a row, a pattern began to emerge.

It hit me like a plank to the side of the head. These suits that I faithfully wore over the last decade were all the same. Oh, there might be slight variations in style as in pants versus skirts or charcoal grey versus navy, but they we all made of dark fabric and had pinstripes.

There laid out before me was evidence of my blind conformity. All in all, was I just another brick in the wall? (With apologies to Pink Floyd)

Gaaaah!

It’s amazing how the myriad of little decisions we make everyday weave together to make the tapestry of our lives. Any one of these decisions in isolation probably has little consequence, but put together and laid out like this, it’s a page in the book of your life. A page I have firmly decided to turn.

It was heartening to see in those suits confirmation that I had moved forward.

Speaking of moving forward, time to head to my closet and then to work. Uniforms need not apply.

To my regular readers: My sincere apologies for not yet posting about my travels. I have had a few technical glitches with photos. Will hopefully get to it soon.

Saturday Soapbox: Angry Men – There Should Be An App For That

Angry Birds (Photo credit: Wikipedia)

We have all heard of the angry middle aged men stereotype. Hollywood has even recognised the concept with a movie, which spawned a sequel.

To be honest, I haven’t paid much attention to it up to this point. Sure, I have come across the odd old curmudgeon in the past, but that was usually in the professional space and usually they were really old, I mean, like seventy-five or something to my then twenty-five or thirty. I figured by that age you earned the right to be a little bit cranky having honed the ability to spot a fool and respond accordingly. I hadn’t thought until now what a younger version of an old curmudgeon might look like and how these curmudgeonly skills are actually acquired. Clearly, by the time you have earned the right to get away with being angry you have been through middle age anger training school and have obtained a Bachelor of Bullshit Spotting in the University of Life. And I’m OK with that.

Lately though, my life has been full of angry middle aged men, both on and off the professional field. Pure coincidence, some Godly test or this because of my own middle aged station in life?

Let me be clear about the type of anger I am talking about. It’s not an overt type of anger, there is no name calling, physical violence, smashing of china, just a seething resentment and mounting frustration. Guys, let me tell you it is apparent to most of the world. It’s in your tone, your general attitude and your demeanor no matter how well you think you have it hidden. And what’s more and this is the biggy, it is usually directed at those who have NOTHING to do with the source of your anger. Or maybe the connection is that these men are angry at the world and we fellow Homo sapiens, being part of the world, are entitled to see the consequences in all its glory.

Typically, men tend to think they can handle their mental and physical health issues on their own. And its great that you have the whole macho thing going on, but spare a thought for those of us who have to come within your orbit.

Which is why someone needs to invent an App for Angry Men, similar to the concept of Angry Birds. I am reliably informed by Geek In Training that Angry Birds is based on a bunch of birds going after the pigs that stole their eggs. Do these fine feathered creatures sit around seething in frustration and resentment, snapping at each other. No! They catapult themselves into the air and go after those piggy thieves, crash tackling their way through structures and generally dissipating a whole lot of negative energy, even if they don’t get their eggs back.

The App would feature an angry man character having lost his cheese. He would be catapulted into the air by a non-angry female to take the long journey to find his cheese, flying over a convertible, his grown children, younger men in their primes and a bevy of buxom beauties. When he finally finds his cheese, he will have to smash through a few structures to get to it, but the more arduous the journey, the healthier and riper his cheese will be.

In all seriousness, there is no shame in taking a little time out in middle age in working the issues through. It is a period where many men, and women for that matter, feel a loss of control. The fact is a lot of things at this stage of life, inevitably change and if you try and resist, then someone will definitely move your cheese whilst you are busy pouring all of your energy into that resistance. Rail against the world if you must, but channel that energy into something benign, like a punching bag. A true punching bag in no way resembles a human being. We are more curvy and generally more witty.

I hope all my friends in the blogosphere are doing well and enjoying the various seasons, summer for you Northerners and winter for us Southerners. I have been reading your posts and ruminating, but just had to get this one off my chest.

Angry men to the left of me, frustrated men to the right… stuck in the middle with you.

Today I Give Myself Permission to Reflect on the #atozchallenge

You know that feeling you get when your sweet cousin Myrtle, the one that talks all the time, finally departs your place? That feeling of immediate relief but with a sense that something is now missing?

Well, that’s exactly how I feel now that the Challenge is over. When I put the last full stop on my Z post, I felt nothing but relief. Now, a few days later I’m missing the structure and the creative impetus the Challenge provided. I have seen that some of my fellow participants have jumped right back in feet first to partake in a challenge involving a post a day in May. There is much to be admired about such blogging stamina. Good luck to all the intrepid bloggers who have decided to take that plunge.

Having participated in last year’s Challenge I knew what I had to do to maximise the time I had to visit other bloggers participating in the Challenge. Of course, I did none of them, not because I wasn’t prepared to, but in the end that experience felt too clinical. There’s a real buzz and energy that is generated from watching the posts of that day’s letter go up one by one. A veritable post string linked by the letter of the day, the desire to create and achieve punctuated only by differences in time zones. So to all my fellow WordPress uses who were involved in the Challenge thanks for the motivation and the inspiration.

I went through a few incantations of my Challenge theme before deciding on permissions and even explored some possibilities with my poor hapless family members. Needless to say, they would have liked to give me permission to stop turning every family gathering into a research focus group and just get dinner on the table. And then, a funny thing happened on the way to the letter Z. What started as 26 posts to fulfill a blogging challenge ended up as an online journal chronicling my own personal growth story over the last 18 months. This is the first time I have ever written any of this down and whatever else the posts might be or end up being, they have served as an affirmation of sorts.

During the course of the Challenge, I met many great bloggers from all over the sphere writing in various niches. Some were experienced bloggers partaking in their second or third Challenges, other were new to blogging. Some were not participating in the Challenge at all and still managed to stumble on my blog. All of them enriched my Challenge experience. Thank you to everyone who visited, commented, liked or read – permission granted to come by any time you like and continue to raise that curtain.

The Challenge also had another dimension this year and that was my role as Arlee Bird’s Challenge Ambassador. It is no hardship to spread Challenge goodwill as I have a strong belief in its premise and benefits. I did notice on my travels that a few bloggers threw in the Challenge towel after the first week or so, thinking that as they had missed one post there was no point in continuing. The Challenge is about creating and achieving and whilst there is a schedule it is not so inflexible that you can’t make up a post or two or three. It’s such a shame to drop out after only missing one or two posts. Please don’t be discouraged, just keep writing and posting, posting and writing.

Finally a big thank you to Arlee Bird, the other Challenge hosts and my fellow Challenge Ambassadors for imparting your knowledge and creating a sense of camaraderie around the event. It remains a terrific concept and vehicle and I’ll be back for another round.

Today I Give Myself Permission to Be Zealous #atozchallenge

Do you ever sit and watch young children who have just learned to toddle? They are a study in energy and zeal. Determined to exercise their new found freedom, they approach their mobility with gusto and wonder (or probably more appropriately wander if you have ever tried to keep a toddler under control whilst carrying a baby).

So what happens to our zeal as we grow up?

One of the merits of growing up is the loss of some of our naivety. However the loss tends to come at a price and that is a tempering of our enthusiasm. You’re probably thinking that this is because as adults the number of first times we experience drops dramatically and too often we travel down the “been there, done that” road. I don’t buy this. Just as beauty is in the eye of the beholder so too is zeal in the eye of the enthusiast.

We humans can rationalise just about anything and any situation. Justification for just about any decision is usually only a stones throw away. If you really don’t want to go somewhere or do something it’s relatively easy to rationalize that decision – it’s too cold, too hot, to dry, too wet, too far, too noisy, too crowded, too fast, too slow, too long too short, too expensive, too difficult, too easy, too… We all have to do things we would rather not. But dragging our backsides and chins on the ground only adds undue weight and resistance to the exercise and is self-defeating. By doing so we are limitng our potential to be wowed and limiting the payback we can receive from the experience – whether that’s learning something new, meeting someone new or experiencing a new sensation.

Trying to teach this concept to a child is one of the hardest things to do. Teaching it to an adult is nigh impossible.

But the old adage of “you get out what you put in” is so true.

Life is like landing a plane. It’s all in the approach. Approach something with a sense of wonder, commitment and energy and chances are you will end up with something more than you started and not just a headache or a big bill. If something is worth my time, it’s worth my zeal.

I’m that adult toddler, approaching my new found freedom with wonder and gusto.

Thank you for sharing some or all of the journey by allowing me to chronicle it in my A to Z Challenge 2013 posts. For all of you who took the time to comment or like my posts, I truly appreciate your zeal. You have helped me reflect just how far I have come. And I needed to do that.

Today I give myself permission to be zealous and not blog tomorrow.

Today I Give Myself Permission to be Vulnerable #atozchallenge

There is no doubt that I have been on a journey to accept vulnerability, for to understand vulnerability and cease fearing it requires maturity, wisdom and insight.

Coinciding with a lightbulb moment along this journey, I discovered the wonderful work of Brene Brown. Brene calls herself a storyteller/researcher and for the past decade she has studied the concept of vulnerability. You can read more about her work at her website, here. In 2010 Brene presented her landmark talk on the power of vulnerability at the annual TED conference and the video has since had more than nine million hits. You can find it here.

Brene’s presentation confirmed much of what I had come to understand about my own vulnerability.

I’m not sure where it came from, for my father was not particularly macho, but my firm belief up until my late thirties was that vulnerability represented weakness and was to be avoided at all costs. I suppose hand in hand with that philosophy was that if connections happened then all well and good, but essentially that was only a bi-product of getting a job done. This worked for me for about a decade and a half as I focused my energies in making it in the business world. Looking back at that time, it worked because I backed my business skills and didn’t feel any real risk in putting those skills out there. I knew I was the real deal and had the goods to prove it.

But, and this is a big but, it’s not what I was doing in my personal life. For some reason, I didn’t back myself in that sphere, spent a lot of time seeking approval and my personal connections suffered. So having woken up I went on a quest to strengthen my existing personal connections and to better understand how to make succesful connections. As Brene says in the video, humans are hard-wired for connection, it gives purpose and meaning to our lives. To show you how far I have come, I have no shame in admiting I had little clue about connections back then. Those I had were principally because the other people were great connectors and to them I am eternally grateful for deciding to invest in me and for teaching me about vulnerability.

I now know and understand that to connect you have to make yourself vulnerable. You have to go forth in the world with your authentic self without any guarantee that you will be accepted and not get hurt. Authenticity was never the issue, but rather the making of the first move. I have since come to understand that not everyone will accept you, but if they do not then firstly, it says more about them than you and secondly, these experiences teach you courage.

Type A alpha personalities have never been at the top of my list. Although probably a gross over generalisation, most alphas I have encountered are quite scared underneath. This results in some undesirable behaviours and the energy required to keep up the alpha front must be tremendous. Give me a guy or girl with a quiet strength who is not afraid to show their vulnerability or who is prepared to make themselves vulnerable by acknowledging the contribution of others and I’ll take them any day of the week over the alpha types. To me there is an attractiveness in vulnerability, probably because it comes from a place of authenticity rather than bravado. Vulnerability speaks and is an ingredient of commonality. How many times have you been in a situation where you have been introduced to someone and once you get talking they admit to some small imperfection or action that was ineffective and you immediately feel closer to that person? I have many times, for usually I think if he or she sounds too good to be true, he or she probably is.

In her video, Brene mentions the struggle with vulnerability and that most people deal with it by numbing their emotions. The problem as she points out is that you can’t selectively just numb the bad emotions, by numbing you end up muting joy, gratitude and happiness as well. And how do we numb? As Brene points out we do it by:

trying to make the uncertain, certain – think religion and politics
perfecting, for example our bodies, our children – our job as parents is not to give them a perfect life, but to prepare them to deal with an imperfect life
pretending that what we do does not affect others

I have since chosen to be prepared to make the first move in forming a connection, without any guarantee of success. I’d rather chance a negetive response than become comfortable in my disconnectedness. I’d also rather chance the relationship ending than never having the opportunity to have it in the first place.

I therefore choose risk, mess and vulnerability and by doing so I choose to add grey and colour to my life over only black and white and feeling over numbness.

Today, I give myself permission to be vulnerable.

Today I Give Myself Permission to Unplug #atozchallenge

Time for a permission that is a little less etherial and perfect for the letter U. Vowels are always the hardest letters of the Challenge for me and here we are at the last one!

The topic for today’s post was inspired by a conversation I had with a colleague this afternoon. Tomorrow is a public holiday here as Australians and New Zealanders celebrate ANZAC Day. On this day we commemorate all those who have served and are serving in our armed forces and support services. Falling on a Thursday, many people have taken Friday as a holiday making it a four day weekend. Conversing with my colleague she mentioned her plans for Friday to relax and indicated she would probably log on and check in to work that day.

I’m not sure how checking work emails is relaxing, but I suppose there are stranger ways to relax. Some people clean and cook for example. Who am I to judge?

The advent of Smartphones and other mobile devices have meant that we are constantly plugged in. We are getting to the stage where the priciest piece of real estate at any airport will soon be the five metre square radius around the charging pole.

Earlier on in the Challenge I gave myself permission to be curious and I wrote how I had returned to postgraduate studies at university. Talk about falling down the technological rabbit hole. Technology has made a huge difference to study practices. Free WIFI and charging outlets everywhere! Need to look up a website the lecturer is referring to in real time? No problem and to someone of my young years, that’s amazing!

So, I’m sitting in the lecture theatre looking around observing the sweet young Gen Y things and how they interact with technology. Sometimes the only way an old dog can learn a new trick is to scout. This is what I have learned so far:

it is possible to complete a university degree by never taking a hand written note. PEN: noun, definition: a prehistoric writing implement filled with ink, that can be converted to a pea shooter or juggling device when owner suffers a chronic case of boredom.
the lecturer actually announced at the start of the lecture series that students should take notes as the assessment will be based on writing and note taking builds skills in that area. Writing is THAT novel, is it?!?
there is a considerable proportion of the Gen Y student body in that lecture that NEVER look up from their screens. Not once, the whole lecture. I wonder if the lecturer ever notices. Must be some real entertaining stuff on Facebook or maybe the web cam is getting a great work out. Or they could be reading the assigned material after all, these guys REALLY know who to multi-task.

No doubt about it, technology has revolutionised education, social interactions, news distribution, communication and a whole lot of other things too. Everything at your fingertips only a few clicks away.

But does this mean we have to stay plugged in all the time?

Work emails on the weekends and after hours when I don’t have to be “on”. Not even tempted. Weekends and after hours are for family, regeneration and reorienting our perspectives so that we can perform again the following week. Weekends are for reading the weekend papers, breathing fresh air and getting stuff done.

Social media, blogging and surfing the net, yes daily first thing in the morning and last thing at night. But if I don’t check in, that’s OK too. Recently, I removed the Facebook App off my phone and it has been a really positive move. There’s only so many cat pictures and pictures of doctors who will operate when they hit 10,000 likes one can handle. I don’t feel I’m missing out by not checking Facebook ten times a day.

Being involved in a face to face conversation and hearing the mobile phone ring? I never pick up. Having made the effort to get together we each deserve the other’s full attention. The biggest compliment you can pay someone in this day and age is to give them your FULL attention.

Technology is a fantastic supplement to real life. The world is amazing and technology provides a window to it.

However, at the end of the day it is a tool. It is not a real life substitute.

The Gen Y and Gen Z gods and goddesses will no doubt heap a load of thunderbolts at my head for that sacrilege.

Do you struggle with technology usage? How to you see technology fitting in to your life?

Today I give myself permission to unplug.

Today I Give Myself Permission to Trust #atozchallenge

Trust is a five letter word. I suppose it could have been a four letter word, but then it would have been RUST and we probably all have enough of that.

We have all probably also had enough of deception and of pain when our trust in someone or something has been broken. I know I have.

And yet…

The idea of never trusting again holds little appeal. For trust is an essential ingredient to connecting on more than a superficial level. It begins in childhood with the whole ‘I”ll show you mine, if you show me yours” concept and evolves as we mature to “I’ll share with you mine, if you share with me yours”. And when there’s true sharing, the trust and the endorphins flow. Trust is a cornerstone of not only social relationships but also of business relationships as embodied in notions such as the trusted advisor and the trustee steed. Where would the Loan Ranger have been without Silver? Possibly Hi Hoed, but very much stationary.

Trusting means opening up your life so that others can enter. As the saying goes, a life without trust is the ultimate prison. And I truly believe this. Storming the Bastille can be hard and unforgiving work.

So, today I give myself permission to:

Trust the moment…

…for worry never solved anything and only gives you frown lines

Trust in God…

…all others must pay cash

Trust my instincts…

…because my tummy tells me so

Trust in Ellen…

…because she says funny stuff like “People always ask me “Were you funny as a child? Well, no, I was an accountant.” And child accountants are very trustworthy not to mention, funny

Trust the path I’m on…

…or that I have the ability to switch to another one if it turns out to be a deadend

Trust in my authenticity…

…because keeping it real is the cornerstone of connection

Trust the internet bloggers…

…to provide some creative quality distraction.

Today I Give Myself Permission to Practice Self-Acceptance #atozchallenge

What do you see when you look in the mirror? Do you focus only on the flaws or do you focus on your whole being?

Much like a heat seeking missile, our eyes unthinkingly tend to gravitate towards the cellulite, skin blemishes and boobs that have probably seen perkier days (and that includes you blokes). But over and above the physical what do you see? Do you see a person who looks his or her age but accepts themselves, including the flaws or do you see a person who avoids looking at themselves in the mirror and doubts aspects of their self-worth?

The fact is that most of us would change some aspect of our appearance if we had the choice to do it pain and cost free. What I’m talking about in today’s post goes deeper than physical appearance. It goes to our core and the issue of self-belief. The physical is but one facet of this.

In the interests of full disclosure I am declaring that my self-esteem was a hard one victory. And given the journey that was needed to claim that victory I’m going to do whatever I can to defend it. This is not to say I have to always be right or win or that I can’t practice humility – those elements are tied to ego. Rather, what I am not going to do is hand over the means by which my self-esteem can be undermined. Despite how far I have come in my own personal journey, I almost recently did just that by crediting the negative talk that was being thrown at me. I felt myself slipping into old habits and seeking acceptance and it just didn’t feel right. So I yanked hard on my personal joystick and pulled out of the free fall. As it so happened the negative talk had nothing to do with me and everything to do with the fear that the person saying them felt about the situation.

Just to be clear, negative talk is deigned to hurt, manipulate and undermine. It is to be contrasted to constructive feedback. Just like a Hallmark card giving constructive feedback means the giver cares enough to want to help you change your situation. It is a gift.

By listening to the negetive talk I almost bought into believing that I was less than I am. And why? Because the negative external talk triggered the negative self-talk and doubts started to creep in. It was such an emphatic lesson.

We can’t control what other people say to us. We can control what we hear and we can control how we perceive.

We can also control our inner dialogue.

So I choose positive self-talk and self-acceptance and I do so consciously. The added benefit is that I am beginning to recognise the signs when I am moving away from that position and can take corrective action.

They say that writing is a muscle you should exercise daily. I believe the same can be said for self-acceptance.

It is important to surround yourself with friends and those who support you. Make sure one of them is YOU, you will never again feel alone.

The more you accept yourself, the less you need to seek acceptance from others. And there is tremendous freedom in reaching the point where external approval doesn’t matter. There is only one person who can valuidate you and that’s the person in the mirror.

Today I give myself permission to practice self-acceptance.

Today I Give Myself Permission to Release #atozchallenge

Remember the words of the Englebert Humperdinck classing Release Me?

Please release me, let me go

My mother used to sing these words aloud as I was growing up. I think they were the only words of that song she knew, because I don’t recall any others. And I don’t recall her singing them to my father. They eventually ended up being married for over 60 years, so I am putting her singing down to her liking the song or Englebert Humperdinck or simply the name “Humperdinck”. What’s not to love about that name, after all? Perhaps Englebert had a fondness for pumpernickel. They just don’t pseudonym like they used to. Can you imagine that today he would probably be called Hdink E. Just doesn’t have the same ring to it, does it?

Today, I want to explore the concept of releasing or letting go. Usually we think of this in the context of negative issues. Regret, anger, frustration, resentment, regret and pain are all obvious candidates. Left bottled inside any one of these can colour our perceptions, drive our behaviours and limit our potential. It really saddens me when people I know limit themselves in this way. Most of us struggle to acquire the “goods”. These are the qualities and characteristics needed to be succesful, whatever the concept of success may mean to us. However, when you see someone who objectively has the goods, but is stuck because they are limited by the negative emotions they harbour, it’s heart breaking. I suppose it means the answers are clear to us, but not to them. Funny how it’s so much easier to solve other people’s problems than our own and funny how so many people mask their inability and unwillingness to solve or deal with their own issues by trying to save others.

Then there’s bitterness. I recently discovered a fantastic quote from Clarissa Pinkola Estes” book Women Who Run With the Wolves: Myths and Stories of the Wild Woman Archetype

There is a time in our lives, usually in mid-life when a woman has to make a decision – possibly the most important psychic decision of her future life – and that is, whether to be bitter or not. Women often come to this in their late thirties or early forties. They are at the point when they are full up to their ears with everything and they’ve “had it” and “the last straw has broken the camel’s back” and they’re “pissed off and pooped out”. Their dreams of their twenties may be lying in a crumple. There may be broken hearts, broken marriages, broken promises.”

This really resonates with me for I felt I had reached this point in my mid forties. Except when I reached it, I didn’t know that feeling this way was common. I spent a couple of years not letting that bitterness

picture courtesy of
freedigitalphotos.net

go, carrying resentment and trying to push through. And all this while I was quietly beating myself about feeling the way I felt – after all, I had all the same good people and creature comforts around me, so I must be the problem, right? Then I started to release, firstly by talking to some close friends about what I was feeling, then by reading and researching and then by letting go of the feeling that I was cornered and stuck. Sounds a bit dramatic, I know, but I just couldn’t see my way through to the fix. The way I finally got through the feelings was to release the complexity, by dealing with one thing at a time, rather than solving everything at once, By doing it this way, the road became clearer. Then I released my passion for things that had long laid dormant or had never been explored, for example writing, dancing, bushwalking and blogging. And then most importantly I released myself and hubby from any blame. The situation was no-one’s fault, it just was and it was normal for this stage of life.

And this is why release is also important. It’s important to share these stories so that people who are or will experience these emotions do not feel they are alone. It is one of the worst feelings in the world to think that you are the only one going through something or that you are walking alone.

Finally, release can also encompass the positive. Releasing passion, laughter, generosity, creativity and inclusion are just as important. For everyone around us is our mirror.

It is worth thinking about what feelings and vibes you release.

Now, that’s all behind me and the future is looking bright indeed. What was a curse is now very much a blessing and no marriages or promises were broken in the writing of this chapter of our lives. What’s more, far from being cornered or stuck, I now feel increadibly free. Any pain involved in release has been worth it.

Today I give myself permission to release. Aaaaaaagh!

Raising the Curtain