Cut From The Same Cloth

Every closest has a deepest darkest recess. Yesterday I ventured into mine. Not lightly, but it had to be done.

This was not a cleaning or clearing expedition, it was in fact a hunt borne out of a little desperation.

Only a little, mind you.

I decided I was going to wear a proper suit to work.

Now, I work in an office and have been wearing tailored gear, so it’s not as if I haven’t been dressing up. It’s just that what it means to be a professional has changed for me. At some point I reached that zone where being good at what I do is less about convincing others that I am and more about projecting my self-worth and confidence in knowing I am good at what I do. This is not hubris or arrogance, I know there are ways I can do better and I consciously put myself in positions where I have to learn every day. It’s just self belief. Guys tend to be quite good at it. Women, not so much, we tend to only put ourselves out there when we have ticked every box. Guys maybe tick one box or tend to have a go when they think they could tick at least one box if given the opportunity. There are masses of women’s publications devoted to this very topic trying to nudge women to move away from perfection.

Whatever you want to call it, self belief was a lesson that took me 40+ years to learn.

And with it came a wardrobe (and job) change.

Now my work wardrobe reflects who I am. Whilst I have never been tempted to pull out the little pink sequined number with purple Doc Martins ahead of a business meeting, manly because I don’t own any of these, I have given myself permission to move away from the classic suit. It has been quite the liberation.

One small step for mankind, a huge leap for the Curtain Raiser!

But back to the bowels of my closet and suit day. I’m not sure why the reason for the suit, there was no high powered meeting or function. I just felt like it, and that’s a revelation in itself.

Hey pal, how many of those grey numbers do you have?

So I gingerly approached my closet’s bowels and starting pulling out suit options. First one, then another and then another trying to figure out which one would work. I hadn’t laid eyes on these for a couple of years, so there was a short period of reacquainting and reminiscence. And as I began laying them out in a row, a pattern began to emerge.

It hit me like a plank to the side of the head. These suits that I faithfully wore over the last decade were all the same. Oh, there might be slight variations in style as in pants versus skirts or charcoal grey versus navy, but they we all made of dark fabric and had pinstripes.

There laid out before me was evidence of my blind conformity. All in all, was I just another brick in the wall? (With apologies to Pink Floyd)

Gaaaah!

It’s amazing how the myriad of little decisions we make everyday weave together to make the tapestry of our lives. Any one of these decisions in isolation probably has little consequence, but put together and laid out like this, it’s a page in the book of your life. A page I have firmly decided to turn.

It was heartening to see in those suits confirmation that I had moved forward.

Speaking of moving forward, time to head to my closet and then to work. Uniforms need not apply.

To my regular readers: My sincere apologies for not yet posting about my travels. I have had a few technical glitches with photos. Will hopefully get to it soon.

Today I Give Myself Permission to Practice Self-Acceptance #atozchallenge

What do you see when you look in the mirror? Do you focus only on the flaws or do you focus on your whole being?

Much like a heat seeking missile, our eyes unthinkingly tend to gravitate towards the cellulite, skin blemishes and boobs that have probably seen perkier days (and that includes you blokes). But over and above the physical what do you see? Do you see a person who looks his or her age but accepts themselves, including the flaws or do you see a person who avoids looking at themselves in the mirror and doubts aspects of their self-worth?

The fact is that most of us would change some aspect of our appearance if we had the choice to do it pain and cost free. What I’m talking about in today’s post goes deeper than physical appearance. It goes to our core and the issue of self-belief. The physical is but one facet of this.

In the interests of full disclosure I am declaring that my self-esteem was a hard one victory. And given the journey that was needed to claim that victory I’m going to do whatever I can to defend it. This is not to say I have to always be right or win or that I can’t practice humility – those elements are tied to ego. Rather, what I am not going to do is hand over the means by which my self-esteem can be undermined. Despite how far I have come in my own personal journey, I almost recently did just that by crediting the negative talk that was being thrown at me. I felt myself slipping into old habits and seeking acceptance and it just didn’t feel right. So I yanked hard on my personal joystick and pulled out of the free fall. As it so happened the negative talk had nothing to do with me and everything to do with the fear that the person saying them felt about the situation.

Just to be clear, negative talk is deigned to hurt, manipulate and undermine. It is to be contrasted to constructive feedback. Just like a Hallmark card giving constructive feedback means the giver cares enough to want to help you change your situation. It is a gift.

By listening to the negetive talk I almost bought into believing that I was less than I am. And why? Because the negative external talk triggered the negative self-talk and doubts started to creep in. It was such an emphatic lesson.

We can’t control what other people say to us. We can control what we hear and we can control how we perceive.

We can also control our inner dialogue.

So I choose positive self-talk and self-acceptance and I do so consciously. The added benefit is that I am beginning to recognise the signs when I am moving away from that position and can take corrective action.

They say that writing is a muscle you should exercise daily. I believe the same can be said for self-acceptance.

It is important to surround yourself with friends and those who support you. Make sure one of them is YOU, you will never again feel alone.

The more you accept yourself, the less you need to seek acceptance from others. And there is tremendous freedom in reaching the point where external approval doesn’t matter. There is only one person who can valuidate you and that’s the person in the mirror.

Today I give myself permission to practice self-acceptance.