The V of Living Imperfectly: Venturing Out Without Social Validation #atozchallenge

Validation is the monster in the closet, lying in wait to pounce on authenticity. And never more so than in this world of social media where self worth seems to be measured in the number of likes and followers and the quest for validation can now be taken to the world with a click of a few buttons. Don’t get me wrong, I’m a huge fan of the benefits of social media and think it has permanently changed the way we keep in touch with those who don’t live in close proximity.

But like any tool, it needs to be used with boundaries. I learned this the hard way when I literally woke up on day with the notion that the daily posting of my Facebook status update started to feel like a competition. Up until then it was a fun thing to do. I am not sure what exactly brought on this realisation but I am sure that the posting of an update which elicited no likes or comments felt like a party no-one wanted to come to had something to do with it. Warning bells starting going off and it no longer felt right.

I think it stems from my days as a young parent when most of my peers were childless and were having the social times of their lives like most 30 year olds and I went home to routine and exhaustion. Then there was always the Monday morning dread about being asked what I did on the weekend and the only way to answer was to respond with a weak “well, not much, but I managed to survive on 4 hours sleep a night”. Crazy, but I have always felt pressure about that question as if my answer was not exciting enough the person I was talking to would lose interest or I could not fill the void that I felt was behind the question.

Then there was the fact that when talking in a group, I always felt the need to fight for air time. That feeling of having to muscle into the conversation and dominate it enough so that people felt you were serious about making a point was always there. My friends used to often joke ‘hang on, everybody it’s Judy’s turn.” A well-meaning jest, with a slightly cruel edge.

It must be that I have carried these thoughts into adulthood because even now I prefer having a one on one or one on two conversation. What’s slightly weird though is I have never really freaked out about presenting to a group. Happy to talk until the cows come home and present, probably because I don’t have to fight for attention and I’m confident with my stuff.

Whilst Facebook seemed like the perfect early vehicle for me with friends generally being attuned to what I was putting out there, I’ve had to step back from it a whole lot. When the likes and comments became the driver then things started to feel out of balance. Rationally, I know that likes and comments have NOTHING to do with self-worth and like a person missing you passing them in the corridor there are a whole lot of factors which go into someone not throwing a like or a comment your way which have NOTHING to do with you or the material.

I still use Facebook as a way of keeping in touch, but now I post a lot less often and use it differently. It is not so much a mirror to my life but an entertainment portal. I know there is a big difference between liking my material and liking me.

And I’ll admit to some embarrassment over my nutty thinking. As a result, this has not been an easy post to write. But it seems that once I got started about validation, this material just begged for release and it’s me in a post.

I’m grateful for these Facebook lessons because they have helped me immensely to deal with the world of blogging. I would never have gotten past the first 5 posts had it not been for that change in mindset and no longer having to seek validation or approval for my work.

I blog because it’s a fun and creative thing to do and it’s a great vehicle for learning about publishing on the Internet.

As for my weekend, it’s going to be a corker, for my next post will be my 200th.

Have you grappled with these same issues through your use of social media?

Do Clothes Really Maketh The Man? #NaBloPoMo

I stumbled upon this time lapse video today showing the transformation of Jim Wolf, a US war homeless veteran, who struggles with alcoholism. The clip has been doing the Internet rounds and has elicited some strong reaction. It is quite an amazing three minutes of footage showing the effect that appearance can have on our self esteem. I commend it to you.

This is not to say that simply by giving a person a makeover all their problems melt way. Homelessness is generally a symptom of wider issues other than a lack of financial resources and to tackle it requires not only accommodation but also support to treat the underlying cause.

What the video underscores is that the giving of dignity and respect is a special gift and further that giving comes from the simplest of gestures. No doubt the choice of Jim’s “after” wardrobe was designed to give maximum impact for the purposes of the video. The transformation could easily have been effected with a more casually tailored look and I venture to suggest that it probably would have had the same impact on Jim’s outlook. The magic is in the gesture of introducing a man to his own potential and in the acknowledgement of Jim’s existence as a fellow human being.

The boost to a person’s self esteem and confidence when they feel they look good is immeasurable. This is after all the cornerstone of the beauty and fashion industry and why a visit to a hairdresser can provide a rather effective form of therapy.

The clothes therefore don’t really maketh the man, but they can embody hope and the motivation to strive for a better life. Something we should all remember when we are cleaning out our closets of unwanted clothes.

You can read more from the maker of the video in this Blaze article.

Today I Give Myself Permission to Practice Self-Acceptance #atozchallenge

What do you see when you look in the mirror? Do you focus only on the flaws or do you focus on your whole being?

Much like a heat seeking missile, our eyes unthinkingly tend to gravitate towards the cellulite, skin blemishes and boobs that have probably seen perkier days (and that includes you blokes). But over and above the physical what do you see? Do you see a person who looks his or her age but accepts themselves, including the flaws or do you see a person who avoids looking at themselves in the mirror and doubts aspects of their self-worth?

The fact is that most of us would change some aspect of our appearance if we had the choice to do it pain and cost free. What I’m talking about in today’s post goes deeper than physical appearance. It goes to our core and the issue of self-belief. The physical is but one facet of this.

In the interests of full disclosure I am declaring that my self-esteem was a hard one victory. And given the journey that was needed to claim that victory I’m going to do whatever I can to defend it. This is not to say I have to always be right or win or that I can’t practice humility – those elements are tied to ego. Rather, what I am not going to do is hand over the means by which my self-esteem can be undermined. Despite how far I have come in my own personal journey, I almost recently did just that by crediting the negative talk that was being thrown at me. I felt myself slipping into old habits and seeking acceptance and it just didn’t feel right. So I yanked hard on my personal joystick and pulled out of the free fall. As it so happened the negative talk had nothing to do with me and everything to do with the fear that the person saying them felt about the situation.

Just to be clear, negative talk is deigned to hurt, manipulate and undermine. It is to be contrasted to constructive feedback. Just like a Hallmark card giving constructive feedback means the giver cares enough to want to help you change your situation. It is a gift.

By listening to the negetive talk I almost bought into believing that I was less than I am. And why? Because the negative external talk triggered the negative self-talk and doubts started to creep in. It was such an emphatic lesson.

We can’t control what other people say to us. We can control what we hear and we can control how we perceive.

We can also control our inner dialogue.

So I choose positive self-talk and self-acceptance and I do so consciously. The added benefit is that I am beginning to recognise the signs when I am moving away from that position and can take corrective action.

They say that writing is a muscle you should exercise daily. I believe the same can be said for self-acceptance.

It is important to surround yourself with friends and those who support you. Make sure one of them is YOU, you will never again feel alone.

The more you accept yourself, the less you need to seek acceptance from others. And there is tremendous freedom in reaching the point where external approval doesn’t matter. There is only one person who can valuidate you and that’s the person in the mirror.

Today I give myself permission to practice self-acceptance.