Tag Archives: #atozchallenge

The X of Living Imperfectly: Yes Virginia There is a Xanadu

In Xanadu did Kubla Khan
A stately pleasure-dome decree :
Where Alph, the sacred river, ran
Through caverns measureless to man
Down to a sunless sea.
So twice five miles of fertile ground
With walls and towers were girdled round :
And there were gardens bright with sinuous rills,
Where blossomed many an incense-bearing tree ;
And here were forests ancient as the hills,
Enfolding sunny spots of greenery. – Kubla Khan by Samuel Taylor Coleridge

X Challenge Letter Most folks when first hearing about the A to Z Challenge reach for their dictionaries minding their Qs and Zs. But it’s this little letter X that’s the real toughy. I think if I blogged for long enough I would run out of X words to write about and would simply have to mark the spot. This year the Challenge road has led me to Xanadu.

If you’re my vintage, when you hear the word Xanadu you probably think of a roller skating rink, flowing blond hair, wind machines and disco music and Olivia Newton John. If you’re too young to know what I’m talking about check out this midriff covered video:

Now that I’ve shot the beauty and gravitas of Coleridge’s words to pieces by using the words “Coleridge” and “disco music” in the one post, I can ditch perfection and let you know that the first two lines of this poem are about my only take-aways from high school poetry. Although as I remember it Kubla Khan had an erection where his pleasure dome was concerned rather than a decree. Kubla Khan erecting a pleasure dome seems far more tangible than a decree. Maybe we learned the Australian version of the poem, or maybe Mr Khan’s dome actually got lost in a whole lot of red tape at the rezoning stage and never made it beyond a decree.

As a parent I certainly know that just because you decree something, it certainly doesn’t make it so.

But I digress. Back to the topic at hand of Xanadu.

So, if you had to design a Xanadu, what would it look like? What would your idealized place of magnificence and beauty look like?

Image courtesy of freedgitalphotos.net

Image courtesy of freedgitalphotos.net

 

This has a lot of potential. Serenity, shade, water and a wrap around balcony would almost be ideal. Perhaps white sand and blue water is more your style or rainforest and running water.

The fact is we can surround ourselves with magnificence and beauty but we will never reach Xanadu with just tangibles. Because magnificence and beauty ultimately require acceptance, gratitude and a willingness to look beyond the outwardly magnificent and the beautiful. You could live in the most beautiful paradise but if you are not grateful or at peace it could still be the worst nightmare. In short, Xanadu comes from inside, it is where we are settled, it is where we can truly be ourselves.

Xanadu can therefore be several different places in our lifetime or at any one time, because each place may bring out a different facet of our personality. One day you might be contemplative and seek serenity, the next you might be playful and seek colour and sound.

A little bit of idealism is not a bad thing. It’s a pity as adults we tend to limit our idealism to the point where our imagination is used to create barriers or make assumptions and therefore as a weapon. Instead we should be creating our own Xanadu, that little piece of paradise in our otherwise cluttered days.

Here some more mouth watering pics of ideal locations to get you started thinking about your Xanadu:

Image courtesy of freedigitalphotos.net

Image courtesy of freedigitalphotos.net

 

Image courtesy of freedigitalphotos.net

Image courtesy of freedigitalphotos.net

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

The W of Living Imperfectly: When Wanderlust Refuses to Wane #atozchallenge

As a general rule, travellers are selfish. They pay little attention either to the comforts or distresses of their fellow travellers ; and the commonest observances of politeness are often sadly neglected by them. In the scramble for tickets, for seats, for state-rooms, or for places at a public table, the courtesies of life seem to be trampled under foot. Even the ladies are sometimes rudely treated and shamefully neglected in the headlong rush for desirable seats in the railway cars.

…

Making acquaintances in the cars, although correct enough, is a measure of which travellers generally appear to be very shy. There is no reason for this, as acquaintances thus picked up need never be recognized again unless you please. If a stranger speaks to you, always answer him politely, and if his conversation proves disagreeable, you have no alternative but to change your seat – Martine’s Handbook to Etiquette and Guide to True Politeness, Arthur Martine, Dick & Fitzgerald Publishers, 1866.

W Challenge LetterI’ve written posts before about how much I love to travel. The wanderlust I acquired through my parents has refused to wane even through marriage to a perfectly content homebody and parenthood. But the spirit and the soul cannot be denied forever and this is the year I plan to feed both through travel.

From my very first trip overseas at the age of five when I got stuck in a Parisian bathtub that could hold the volume of Sydney Harbour together with its average boat traffic to my honeymoon in Thailand when I found out that drinking milk in a hot country on a public bus was not a good idea and what being married really means, I have loved all of my trips.

Travelling with young children or travelling when a parent of young children is never easy. When the boys were young, the only real travel we did was when work required it. Back in those days the Italian Stallion did most of the work travel, leaving me at home to cope with a demanding career and parenting duties. As the boys grew older we ventured out with them as far afield as New Zealand and Noumea. There was also a trip to America just after no.1 turned two. We have since tackled Europe and America as a family.

Travelling parents tend to be an emotive and polarizing subject. The debate about whether parents should take vacations or travel without their yearn for adventurechildren seems to elicit much debate with strong views on either side. In researching the Web for this post, I was amazed to find the number of blogs that have been written to justify a blogger’s stance on why leaving children behind to travel is right for them. Whatever the case, travel like sleeping arrangements for children is a personal issue for each family and they should do what is right for them.

It is only recently that I have given in to my wanderlust and have starting roaming without my family. I would love to have them come with me, but now the boys are at a stage where they tend to have their own lives and what do you do when your husband prefers to stay close to home? To be fair to the Italian Stallion, I can coax him overseas every so often, but it would never be his first choice of activity just as cooking wouldn’t be mine. It’s a good thing for the Italian Stallion that cooking has to occur every day and that travel is an occasional thing. But I figure after a couple of thousand meals, an overseas family vacation is a fair trade.

There are arguments both ways as to whether being a parent means you should take your kids with you every time you travel. I have done both and will do both this year. People are generally inclined to cut you some slack as a parent if you are going away with your husband for a special occasion, say a wedding anniversary. We did just that not so long ago and it was wonderful and the kids had a good time back home by being coddled by their grandmothers.

But mention going away without kids, without spouse and for pleasure, you tend to get utter disbelief and a whole lot of judgement.

Whether it’s disbelief in daring to travel solo as a mature women or having the temerity to leave your family to fend for themselves whilst you actually do something for yourself, I’m not so sure. But why does this notion push people’s fear buttons so?

Good travellerI don’t really have an answer because none of this scares me. I have more confidence and a higher sense of adventure than I have ever had before so none of this makes any real sense to me. I also have utter confidence in the survival skills of my family, after all isn’t it a mother’s job to raise humans who can think for themselves and be independent?

Two weeks of me being away will do wonders for us all. My boundaries will get the stretching they so clearly are screaming out for, my family will discover a whole new temporary dynamic and the heart in all of us will grow fonder of each other.

If living live perfectly means burying my wanderlust in my middle age then I want no part of it. Instead, it’s time to be energized by adventure. And if that amounts to being selfish, then so be it.

With this post I have pressed that publish button 200 times. Hitting this milestone during the A to Z Challenge can only be described as imperfectly perfect.

cooltext1537787008

The V of Living Imperfectly: Venturing Out Without Social Validation #atozchallenge

inside you

 

V Challenge Letter Validation is the monster in the closet, lying in wait to pounce on authenticity. And never more so than in this world of social media where self worth seems to be measured in the number of likes and followers and the quest for validation can now be taken to the world with a click of a few buttons. Don’t get me wrong, I’m a huge fan of the benefits of social media and think it has permanently changed the way we keep in touch with those who don’t live in close proximity.

But like any tool, it needs to be used with boundaries. I learned this the hard way when I literally woke up on day with the notion that the daily posting of my Facebook status update started to feel like a competition. Up until then it was a fun thing to do. I am not sure what exactly brought on this realisation but I am sure that the posting of an update which elicited no likes or comments felt like a party no-one wanted to come to had something to do with it. Warning bells starting going off and it no longer felt right.

I think it stems from my days as a young parent when most of my peers were childless and were having the social times of their lives like most 30 year olds and I went home to routine and exhaustion. Then there was always the Monday morning dread about being asked what I did on the weekend and the only way to answer was to respond with a weak “well, not much, but I managed to survive on 4 hours sleep a night”. Crazy, but I have always felt pressure about that question as if my answer was not exciting enough the person I was talking to would lose interest or I could not fill the void that I felt was behind the question.

Then there was the fact that when talking in a group, I always felt the need to fight for air time. That feeling of having toseeking approval muscle into the conversation and dominate it enough so that people felt you were serious about making a point was always there. My friends used to often joke ‘hang on, everybody it’s Judy’s turn.” A well-meaning jest, with a slightly cruel edge.

It must be that I have carried these thoughts into adulthood because even now I prefer having a one on one or one on two conversation.  What’s slightly weird though is I have never really freaked out about presenting to a group. Happy to talk until the cows come home and present, probably because I don’t have to fight for attention and I’m confident with my stuff.

Whilst Facebook seemed like the perfect early vehicle for me with friends generally being attuned to what I was putting out there, I’ve had to step back from it a whole lot. When the likes and comments became the driver then things started to feel out of balance. Rationally, I know that likes and comments have NOTHING to do with self-worth and like a person missing you passing them in the corridor there are a whole lot of factors which go into someone not throwing a like or a comment your way which have NOTHING to do with you or the material.

facebook insecurityI still use Facebook as a way of keeping in touch, but now I post a lot less often and use it differently. It is not so much a mirror to my life but an entertainment portal. I know there is a big difference between liking my material and liking me.

And I’ll admit to some embarrassment over my nutty thinking. As a result, this has not been an easy post to write. But it seems that once I got started about validation, this material just begged for release and it’s me in a post.

I’m grateful for these Facebook lessons because they have helped me immensely to deal with the world of blogging. I would never have gotten past the first 5 posts had it not been for that change in mindset and no longer having to seek validation or approval for my work.

I blog because it’s a fun and creative thing to do and it’s a great vehicle for learning about publishing on the Internet.

As for my weekend, it’s going to be a corker, for my next post will be my 200th.

Have you grappled with these same issues through your use of social media?

The U of Living Imperfectly: Unorthodoxy In Conservatism #atozchallenge

The true aim of politeness, is to make those with whom you associate as well satisfied with themselves as possible. It does not, by any means, encourage an impudent self-importance in them, but it does whatever it can to accommodate their feelings and wishes in social intercourse. Politeness is a sort of social benevolence, which avoids wounding the pride, or shocking the prejudices of those around you. Martine’s Handbook to Etiquette and Guide to True Politeness, Arthur Martine, Dick & Fitzgerald Publishers, 1866.

U Challenge LetterI tend to always mark the progress of the Challenge through the passing of the vowels and here it is, the last one. As they often say, and then there was U.

There is a fair bit of discussion going on in Australia at the moment about the re-introduction of a late night variety show. We do not have a locally produced version at the moment and have not had one for a while, so the TV executives must be thinking the time is now ripe. For my American friends, we do get your late night versions – Late Show with David Letterman and The Tonight Show, but clearly the populace is crying out for some home grown talent.

There is much speculation as to who the host might be. One former late night host interviewed today confirmed that being a late night host was not an easy gig and that the show’s success or failure depended on choosing the right front man. No number of international celebrities could account for the lack of a fun host and according to Mr Former this meant that the host had to be quirky but conventional.

So that got me to thinking whether this was possible. Because my initial thought was that quirky is the opposite to conventional.

But then I reminded myself that I always thought of myself as conservative but unorthodox which is seems to be equally as anomalous. The way I see it, I’m conservative in the big things like security, job, finances etc. but when it comes to the detail within those frames I tend to carry them out unconventionally.  I’m not ashamed to admit there is a bit of maverick in the old Curtain Raiser because it simply wouldn’t do to be so boring as to be totally predictable or without a sense of humour.

My kids would probably argue about the latter, but it’s nice to see them developing their wit with a few chips from the old block.

Of course one does not wish to wound the pride nor shock the prejudices of those around one, but strongly held notions should occasionally be challenged and rattled. I certainly appreciate it when someone gets me thinking and challenging conventions. It’s called an open mind.

There some great U words which describe all of us who are brave enough do our own thing at times. Here’s a celebration to all of us for being:

unique

  unconventional

     unorthodoxcool duck

       unparalleled

unmitigated

uninhibited

unfettered

undaunted

For we are the ones who share a glimpse of our authenticity with the world.

 

 

 

 

The T of Living Imperfectly: Thriving Amongst the Toil #atozchallenge

chair swivel

T Challenge LetterIn my C post I wrote about career change and how, as a perfectionist, I fought the notion that taking a break to change careers was acceptable. Today’s post takes us back to the topic of work. Most of us have to do it and most of us struggle with it.

I remember back about a decade and half ago, I was managing this woman as part of a project. This person was a great worker, diligent, competent and for the most part a real doer. She usually worked back to get the job done and managed to do it all whilst raising two young children. Mostly, every bosses dream. But looking back on it, she was a perfectionist. Like me she toiled first and then played and one day it all got on top of her. She broke down crying to complain that she was always the last out of the office and had missed out on many an office social function because of work she had to do.

As a young and inexperienced manager, I listened to her to cry and calmed her down, but didn’t really understand the issue for no-one had asked her to stay back and miss out on being social. But that is the way she interpreted it.

Being a whole lot wiser and having battled my own perfectionist tendencies I now understand that she was playing into her own self-imposed hard work picstandards or standards that she assumed the work place required. She felt she had to stay back and do the work, because that would make her feel on top of things and in control, in short, closer to perfection.

I have been there too. Sitting in the office at dinner time seething with resentment because I have stayed back to get something done and not understanding how others can merrily march off to socialize when work still remains.

The reality is most of us compete against ourselves. That’s exactly what I was doing but didn’t take into account the cost. Because this sort of behaviour tends to yield success in the conventional sense, I ignored my frustrations and wore my personal sacrifice like a warm cloak.

Another former colleague used to only leave the office to go home to her young family once she had cleared her in tray. Her thinking was that if something came in late in the day and it was small, she could knock it out of the way to concentrate on the bigger things the following day.  “Just this one small thing” she would tell herself. The one small thing generally always took longer than first anticipated and whilst doing the one small thing, a lot of other small things would also find their way into her inbox. After discussing the issue, she finally admitted that there was no real difference if she tackled the small thing in the morning. In short, more self-imposed pressure and sacrifice.

harry potter quoteI have since learned to control my desire to get everything done at work before being able to enjoy my colleagues’ social company. I can also now leave at the end of the day without having ruled a neat little line under my work to signify done. I am no longer being sacrificed at my own altar of perfection.  If a situation calls for a real deadline and I have to stay back then I have no issue with that. But, I have stopped imposing unrealistic deadlines on myself and for punishing myself if I don’t meet them.

And the socializing certainly hasn’t hurt the networking and in fact has made me happier overall and more productive.

I love what I do and am thriving in my toil. The boundaries I have set have helped me realise what’s important and to move away from perfect.

Hard work, doesn’t mean losing yourself. Its means applying constant effort constructively.

 

The S of Living Imperfectly: Stifling the Stickler #atozchallenge

Commands should never be given in a commanding tone. A gentleman requests, lie does not command. We are not to assume so much importance, whatever our station, as to give orders in the “imperative mood,” nor are we ever justified In thrusting the consciousness of servitude on any one. The blunder of commanding sternly is most frequently committed by those who have themselves but just escaped servitude, and we should not exhibit to others a weakness so unbecoming – Martine’s Handbook to Etiquette and Guide to True Politeness, Arthur Martine, Dick & Fitzgerald Publishers, 1866.

S Challenge Letter The world is made of rules and we are indoctrinated into them at a very young age. We are very young when we first learn the consequences for not obeying a rule and as we grow older we also learn that abiding by rules can earn us praise and positive feelings.

Rules are necessary for society to function. The basic rules have been with us for centuries and were first handed down in the form of tablets. These rules have formed the basis of our criminal law and exist for good reason.

But what happens when you take that little girls from the school playground, the one that was the teacher’s pet and transplant her to adulthood in the middle of an office? The one that still believes that everyone who plays by the rules will be rewarded and praised and that anyone who doesn’t needs to be reminded of the rules.

I was never a teacher’s pet, but I can feel for that girl/woman.

It is a harsh lesson indeed to realise that just because you played fair and by the rules doesn’t necessarily mean you are rewarded. But that is rulesperfectionist thinking in a nutshell – I am virtuous, I am good, I adhered to the rules therefore a certain positive outcome should follow.  Except that discounts human behaviour and the imperfect world in which we operate.

It is equally a difficult lesson for perfectionists to learn the notion that anything less than getting it right is acceptable. You can easily spot that person in conversation, correcting a fact here and a fact there and focusing on accuracy rather than engagement. There are times when correcting a misstated fact is essential to the point that is being made, but there are plenty of other times when the misstatement would have no bearing on the outcome.

It’s time we let getting it right go when it doesn’t really matter. We need to stifle the inner stickler and let other people do it their way. Let the perfectionist go.

There are far better things to put on an epitaph than “he was right”.

 

 

The R of Living Imperfectly: The Rigours of Relationships #atozchallenge

Before you admit the attentions of a gentleman who wishes to pay you his addresses, very carefully examine your respective tastes and dispositions; and settle in your own mind what are the most important requisites of happiness in a married state. With this view, you must enter upon the consideration of the subject with a calm and decisive spirit, which will enable you to see where your true happiness lies, and to pursue it with determined resolution – Martine’s Handbook to Etiquette and Guide to True Politeness, Arthur Martine, Dick & Fitzgerald Publishers, 1866.

R Challenge Letter Welcome to the Information Age where education is freely available to all through Google University and the dating pool now extends to the whole world. Dating sites bring the credentials of potential dates to your keyboard and the forum to interact from the safety of your own home. So why does it seem to be harder than ever before to find a partner?

At least that’s how it appears to me.

I have a confession to make. I have never dated in the Information Age. I met the Italian Stallion almost three decades ago, at an age when the closest we came to a computer was through the Casio calculators in our backpacks. That said, I have listened to the laments of many a woman in their thirties and older as to how hard it is to find a good man.

Let me tell you, men. I’m on your side.

I’m on your side, because I think these women are looking for partner perfection. They probably have a better chance of finding a unicorn.

There is absolutely nothing wrong with standards or having high standards. Neither should a woman have to settle. But the attributes and characteristics of this perfectly baked partner seems a little endless and unrealistic. The perfect candidate seems to be:

  • financially stable,
  • knows where he is going,
  • is a gentlemen and a romantic,
  • dresses well and is well presented,
  • carries no baggage,
  • is intelligent, and
  • tells great jokes and is so confident in his own skin he asks for directions.

OK, I made the last one up, but you get the drift.

As a long time married woman who has been let in on the secret that marriage is not easy, takes work and there will be times when either or friendship perfectionboth of you are less than perfect, this list resembles a whole lot of bucket. As a mother of sons it elicits a yikes!

The reality is you create a life together and settling down with one person is not without risk. The above attributes do not guarantee happiness nor a happily ever after.

Just looking at the list, I can’t help thinking that perhaps the notion of commitment is scarier now. Bad relationship bust up stories abound and tend to drown out the successes and perhaps with more women making their own fortunes the financial stakes are higher. Does the list get longer as women’s feet get colder?

Guys tend to be able to get away with not wanting to commitment. On the other hand perfection for many women is being partnered.

Seeking an understanding and authentic partner should be the goal rather than perfection. A relationship where you are accepted as you is about as perfect as it gets. The rest you work through together.

The Q of Living Imperfectly: The Quagmire of Social Interaction #atozchallenge

Politeness and etiquette form a sort of supplement to the law, which enables society to protect itself against offences which the law cannot touch. For instance, the law cannot punish a man for habitually staring at people in an insolent and annoying manner, but etiquette can banish such an offender from the circles of good society, and fix upon him the brand of vulgarity – Martine’s Handbook to Etiquette and Guide to True Politeness, Arthur Martine, Dick & Fitzgerald Publishers, 1866.

Q Challenge LetterSocial interactions have always been a quagmire for me. Lot of rules, very little logic and a whole lot of unnecessary offense. In fact I’m offended by the amount of unnecessary offense there is in this world.

Seriously, this is not what friendship should be about. True friendship is about accepting each other as is and forging ahead on some common ground. Instead we live in a society that makes reality TV shows about the quagmire of social interaction such as the various Housewives Of series. A show where “friends” spent most of their time gossiping about other “friends”, trying to change people and being offended. And there’s a lot of competition, which really has nothing to do with friendship except in the form of friendly rivalry to bring out the best in each other.

Groups and cliques also tend to have their own form of etiquette and rules which one can only work out from within. Only you can decide if you are willing to navigate these and try to adhere to them.

My parents grew up in a group of about twenty couples who hung our socially together. As a kid, it was wonderful to have a big group of “aunties” and “uncles” who were interested in your achievements and who could engage in a little play wrestle. They were great. By the time I was about 8 or 9 I became aware just how much energy my parents were expending in keeping everyone happy in this social circle and all the social balls in the air. It was a whole lot of energy that didn’t always produce peace and harmony.

To me friendship should be easy like a well-worn favourite piece of clothing or comfortable like the best chocolate dessert. That doesn’t mean it true friends is perfect. Good friends should debate and sometimes have a little conflict. That’s what growth is all about and realistically people do change.

I am a long way from achieving perfection in my social interactions. Instead at times, I feel like I’m sinking into quick sand and into the quagmire. And the more I thrash and try, the quicker I sink.

A true friendship does not require a book of etiquette or social laws. And perhaps just when the rule book gets tossed is the time when we realise that our social interaction has moved on from loose acquaintance to real friendship.

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

The P of Living Imperfectly: Pride (A Guest Post) #atozchallenge

P Challenge Letter

Today I’m excited to have my friend and fellow blogger, Cricket Fox, provide a guest post for my imperfect series. Cricket who blogs at Cricket’s Corner of Australia, writes about a variety of topics from the perspective of an American who has now relocated to Australia, including some chicken soup for the soul. Cricket and I had a blast last year when I hosted Cricket for her 50th birthday and surprised her by taking her to see the performer of her dreams in my hometown.We met through writing and blogging.

Pride is an integral part of perfection and something most of us grapple with. Being perfect to many means not being be able to ask for help. I know I struggle with this. Here’s Cricket’s take on this meaty topic:

According to the dictionary the word pride means: an inordinate opinion of one’s own dignity, importance or merit, the state of feeling or being proud.

We are all proud of different things in life, how well the kids do when they step outside their comfort zone. How well they do when they accomplish something unique. We are even proud of ourselves when we accomplish something that we never thought we would. Pride is listed as one of the 7 deadly sins but it is the one with which I have the most trouble.

This got me thinking about how prideful we are at times about things and when the road gets tough, why is it so difficult to become human and ask for help? Why is it that just admitting we need help makes us worry what people will think?

I am the first one to admit that I am guilty of this. There have been many times that I have needed help have either never asked or came helpaway with the feeling that I should have asked sooner. Why? When I know there were people there ready and waiting to lend a hand. Is it a sign of weakness when we become human and tell our friends that we need them?

I don’t understand why it is hard to just be human and ask for the help we need. Are we afraid of what people will say? That we are weak and can’t manage on our own? It is OK to be vulnerable but in the past I have been looked down on for showing that side. There have been times that I have waited until it was too late and the problem got out of hand and I thought I really could do this on my own. If I had only asked for help sooner, how the journey to the end might have turned out different or even ended sooner.

We hope that our parents are proud of us for the accomplishments as kids growing up and all. I can’t remember hearing my Dad say he was proud of me, I don’t know why it was so hard for him to say it. I always made sure that my girls heard it from me and their Dad. I always tell people the best thing I ever did was my daughters. I secretly hope that they are proud of me. I know I have not made the best decisions at time but looking back it could have been my pride in asking for help. Maybe things would be different now if I had not allowed my pride to get the better of me.

It has taken going through a lot to finally see that it really is OK, to put pride aside, and get the help you need to get through the rough time. All you might need is just some support to help deal with bad news, it could just be a crappy day and you need someone just to listen.
You just need to make the decision to let go of pride, realize it is acceptable to be human and make a simple statement: “I need some help”

I know this might not make a lot of sense but I just want you to think about when you use pride and how. Have a think about when someone you know is struggling and you know they need help but are afraid to ask. Don’t push them down but lend them a hand up.

It could be you next time putting your pride aside and needing the help.

 

The O of Living Imperfectly: Feeling Oppresively Busy #atozchallenge

horse busy

O Challenge LetterFeeling overwhelmed seems to come with the territory of perfection. So much to do, so little time and the constant need to be busy.

An article in my Sunday paper today proclaims:

Are you too busy? You should be, and you should let people know in a proud but exasperated tone.

The concept of busyness for busyness sake has been on my mind for a while now. Being a professional woman and mother means being surrounded by other busy professional people constantly bemoaning the lack of free time. Are we really all that busy or are we really projecting our fear of being perceive idle. For somewhere along the line busyness has become acquainted with a mark of social status. As my Sunday article says, “If you are busy, you’re important and you’re leading a full and worthy life.”

To be perfect, you must be constantly busy, right?

Busy for busyness sake is a total paradox. Being this sort of busy may make you feel important for a fleeting moment, but denies you time for making deeper connections with those that are likely to be your busy in your older age when busyness tends to stop. Having deeper connections also tends to be more fulfilling than temporarily shortening your to do list by three entries.

There are some people I know who determine their importance by the number of phone calls and emails they receive and yet bemoan the fact that they are always busy. They revel in having a list of tasks to perform that in the end weave a discordant fabric around their self worth. And taken to the extreme, they feel uncomfortable when others are idle. Never waste a single minute,let alone an hour or a day. This need to be perfectly busy seems exhausting and counterproductive.

According to my Sunday article, researchers apparently call this “contaminated time”. This is doing so many different kind of things that baroness of a busy lifethey all blend into each other.It probably won’t surprise you to know that women are generally more susceptible because they have a harder time shutting down the to do list in their heads.

I remember as a mother of young when the golden egg was laid and I found a rare hour or two for myself, the feeling of elation and relief was short lived. Because of the rarity, I used to put myself under enormous pressure to make these hours count, to do something worthwhile. Reading a book or falling asleep in the sun never felt enough, even though that was what my spirit was calling out for.

I’ve since learned that free time is exactly that, free time and should be approached without guilt, regret or judgement. It should be practiced with mindfulness.

Real importance is measured by our positive impacts on others’ lives. Busyness as part of perfectionism is a shield. It’s time we laid it down and gave our self permission to just be. And to be there for ourselves and for those who matter.