Today I Give Myself Permission to Knock Back Balls In Play #atozchallenge

We are all jugglers. Multitaskers all, we juggle not only the balls of our own lives and at times we also juggle the balls of the lives of others.

If you are a parent or have ever been a parent you will know what I mean. From the moment they are born, your kids’ schedules take up residence in your brain and as they get older the more balls you need to keep in the air. As a parent you accept the juggle and willingly catch the balls your children throw you. And one day you hope to be in a position to through them right back, shinier then they were when you first caught them.

But what about those balls from people who are more remote to you? And what about balls that are thrown and you don’t even know you’re in a game of catch?

Confused with all this metaphorical ball talk?

Let me explain what I mean.

All of us derive our self esteem from different sources. There is usually something about ourselves that makes us proud of who we are or that is otherwise integral to the way we define ourselves. Rightly or wrongly, if something happens to that integral thing, we start feeling off and a little less than ourselves. For some that thing is parenting, for others their ability to run a marathon, write poetry, volunteer in the community, recite limericks, make great videos, cook gourmet meals. Whatever.

A moving GIF showing a basic 3 ball-cascade juggling pattern: good for juggling explanation. (Photo credit: Wikipedia)

For me, it’s being able to solve problems or at least moving the problem a few steps forward if a complete solution is not within my skill set. So I love it when people come to me for a solution and I love to help them out. But I’m only just learning that this does not mean that I have to catch every ball that’s put in play. Seriously, this is my latest permission and is only really new.

And the late realisation is not because I can’t say no or because I am a people pleaser. I can say no plenty, just ask my children and the Italian Stallion.

So with this permission, I have set a few new rules:

identify early on whether an inoccuous question is really a ball you don’t want to accept or can become such a ball after a bit of back and forth. If yes, knock the ball back. If no, continue playing
you don’t always have to play ball to suit another’s agenda
it’s not only permissible, but essential to knock back the balls that may became too heavy or don’t add to your ball collection
beware of those trying to suck you into a ball game that you don’t want to be in, by stealth.

Most of us want to lighten another’s load. However, we also need to take care that by doing so, we don’t drop our own balls.

No more guilt. I’m now OK with this.

As for the balls in the parenting scenario. It is incumbant on all us parents to start knocking back our kids’ balls at some point. For if we do not, how will they ever learn to juggle? The job for us is to know just the right time to do this. We need to be alert enough to see the signs that show us they have the fledgling skills to not only catch the balls, but to also keep them in the air.

And one day, like it or not we will have to throw a few of our own balls their way.

One of my fellow bloggers wrote a fantastic post today about his special other half. In it he describes her empathetic nature and that at some points in her friendships, she needed to distance herself. K is also for kudos and I have nothing but kudos for BTG’s post today, which is very much on point. Please hop on over and read this little piece of special.

Today I give myself permission to knock back balls in play.

Today I Give Myself Permission To Heed The Red Flags #atozchallenge

Friendship. There’s nothing like it.

Even in marriage, friendship is the foundation upon which love is based. No friendship and marriage can be a real lonely state.

Hand in hand with friendship comes loyalty. Hand in hand with friendship comes give and take.

Can there come a time when enough is enough? And how come we usually never know we have reached “enough ” until long after that point has passed?

And why are we wracked with guilt even when walking away was the only real option left to us?

Who can argue with Kenny Rogers’ great line from The Gambler?

You gotta know when to fold’em, know when to hold’em, know when to walk away, know when to run

But how do we really know when the time comes?

Loyalty is a huge one on my list. I was always taught to stand by my friends. In midlife my friendships mean even more because I have a healthier appreciation of the odds against really connecting with someone. But loyalty can’t be blind.

It is said that in midlife people commonly go through their phone books and scratch off names. The realization usually comes that it is better to focus on quality rather than quantity. I haven’t deliberately done that exercise, but I have become a bit more discerning about with whom I spend my time. That’s not to say I’m not wracked with guilt about those I choose to distance.

So, I have to remind myself to heed the red flags.

The following saying has become my recent favorite:

I want to believe the best of people, I think most people do. But it has come at a personal cost. Perhaps I have befriended too easily in the past. The challenge, I think, is to remain open and receptive enough to avoid the cynicism that comes with being too protectionist. There’s totally safe and then there’s social.

Liars, drama queens, attention seekers, manipulators and passive aggressors need not apply.

Today I give myself permission to heed the red flags.

Is this a tough one for you, too?

Today I Give Myself Permission To Be Bodacious #atozchallenge

I wonder how many of you landed on this page thinking you were going to see something related to the OTHER meaning of bodacious? Well, sorry to disappoint, but there is none of that here, although if you stick around a bit you might find something entertaining.

Bo·da·cious also bow·da·cious (b-dshs) or bar·da·cious (bär-) Southern & South Midland U.S.
adj.
1. Remarkable; prodigious.
2. Audacious; gutsy

It is also said that the word “bodacious” is a likely amalgam of the words” bold and audacious” with a resurgence in popularity in the ’80’s and ’90’s.

Remember the last time you did something audacious or bold? Your heart may have been racing and your palms may have been sweaty, but how good did you feel? I’m talking here about something subjectively audacious, not something that’s going to put you on the evening news for all the wrong reasons. It may be something as simple as approaching someone you revere or don’t know to ask something or wearing something you have not dared to before. And doesn’t it feel great?

I have found that midlife is THE best time to be bodacious. Possibly because midlife has helped to wake up the maverick inside me or because I don’t accept that we should necessarily stick to someone else’s script, midlife is the perfect foil to do something remarkable. A decade earlier and I would have been too self-conscious to do half the things I do today. But little by little I learned that most people do outrageous things, the world still turns for them and those that judge generally covet the ability to do something outrageous themselves without having to worry about external opinion. And the biggest empowering step? Faith. Faith in myself that I could deal with whatever consequences would follow – whether they were predictable or not. You don’t get to mid-life without acquiring a certain level of skills and smarts.

Bodaciousness accounts for those midlifers who change their career or start their own business. Whether they do so out of design or necessity, boldness and audacity are mandatory requirements.

Take a look at some of these bodacious midlifers:

Harland Sanders, also known as “Colonel Sanders”. He opened his first Kentucky Fried Chicken franchise location when he was 62
Clint Eastwood didn’t direct his first film until the age of 41 and is the oldest person to have won an Oscar for best director
Wally Amos opened his first Famous Amos cookie store at the age of 40

These are all noteworthy achievements, but remember that your bodacious move doesn’t have to be of this magnitude. Pushing your personal envelope, even just a little is all that it takes to be bodacious. Just take a leaf out of the book of this bodacious reader who stumbled upon my site today via the search term “frangipani google nose” .

Midlife is a great time to be bodacious. It will set you up for a lifetime of aging disgracefully!

Thanks for sticking with this post and reading it through to the end. For your patience and persistence I reward you with a bodacious

Today I give myself permission to be bodacious!

Today I Give Myself Permission To Appreciate My Achievements #atozchallenge

It’s 1 April marking the start of the A to Z April Blogging Challenge. As this post is brought to you by the letter A, it’s time to give a huge thanks to Arlee Bird for conceiving the Challenge and for giving more than 1600 bloggers the impetus to fire up their blogs this month. Arlee is a true blogger and gentlemen and deserves the tag of awesome – another great A word.

Now, onto the Challenge post!

Most of us arrive at middle age wishing we had achieved more. More what exactly is up for grabs, but it’s just more. Whether we have visions of how midlife was for our parents and wanting our own experiences to be different and yes… more or whether we feel we have not met our own expectations, the feeling of something not being enough lurks.

Somehow, somewhere along the way we picture a different midlife scenario, one were we have ticked most, if not all, of the metaphorical boxes that one is supposed to tick off by mid-life. The weight of expectation feels heavy and rather than asking “Are We There Yet?”, we don’t ask at all, because we are afraid of the answer. Either that or we are just too tired to savour what we have done.

About four years ago, I came to realise that every big achievement is made up of many small achievements. The prize of the big achievement can never really be yours until you build a solid foundation, until you have put tab A into slot B. Putting tab A into slot B requires patience, persistence and postponement of the need for instant gratification, so why shouldn’t it be appreciated? I know a good many people who fail to see that putting tab A into slot B is still an achievement, so focused are they on achieving the bigger goal. This is fine, except that when the bigger goal is not reached fast enough or the focus is solely on how far there still is to reach it, feelings of despondency and failure kick in.

I spent quite some time over the last couple of years castigating myself over what I felt I had not achieved. The film reel in my head was playing but intermission never came, all I felt was a greater sense of urgency to reach the end of the film. Expectation will do that to you.

So, you’ve reached forty something and feel you have much left to do? You’re right, you do – there’s the whole second act to live through BUT stop for a minute and savour what you have achieved so far. Chances are you have achieved a great many things from the time you graduated from high school, even if the film reel of how it is supposed to be in your head is not your current reality. Whether its surviving more than a decade of marriage without killing your spouse, becoming a parent and surviving the sleepless nights, building the foundations of a career or business or just being able to greet each day and your fellow citizens with a kind word and a smile you have achieved something. Whether it’s having travelled the world or some part of it, created a home, forged community connections, being a good sibling, maintained a blog for a time you have achieved something.

In his book, Life: A Guide, Adam Fuller describes the years between the ages of 43 to 49 as being in control, but only just as the demands of others tend to take precedence over our own issues. It is time to let our spirits catch up with us otherwise the sacrifice will be to lose the relationship with ourselves and our dreams.

Appreciating all of your achievements to date no matter how small is a great first step to letting your spirit catch up with you.