Here’s the first post from the she shed. I haven’t actually found a she shed, but if I had, this is the post I would write.
We are almost at the start of the closing ceremony of the 2012 London Olympic Games and what a two weeks it has been. Such skill, stamina and athleticism – and that’s just from the spectators – what time is it again? Australia has now managed to scrape together five six gold medals as our swim team went MIA. Hard lesson learned for said swim team, namely that social media, hubris and swimming don’t mix. Ouch!
The Olympics have however inspired me to look around and recognise skill, stamina and athleticism in my everyday life. So, let’s light the cauldron, release the peace doves, sing “Hey Jude” and celebrate the 7 blue ribbon events of the Parenteen Olympics!
Event 1 – Synchronised Finding: parents compete to find their teen’s missing items whilst tackling various obstacle courses such as teen rooms, drawers and wardrobes, dirty clothes piles and pockets. Five points for each item found. Bonus points are awarded for really small items and those which have not seen the light of day for at least two weeks. Triple bonus points are awarded for essential items that are required to be found in the five minutes before the teen rushes out the door.
Event 2 – Rhythmic Gum Snapping: teens compete to scare the living crap out of their parents by loudly popping gum at random times. Bonus points are awarded for pops sounding like cars backfiring made at critical times during television shows their parents are watching in the same room.
Event 3 – Pantry/Fridge Hockey: teens compete to rearrange their parent’s pantry/fridge in the usually useless quest to find something to eat and in the hope that by staring at the items long enough they might change into something inspiring. Each of the panel of five international judges gives a score out of 10 for the following categories:
- most vacant stare and bored stance
- most number of trips to the pantry/fridge in a sixty minute time span
- most number of items moved each trip
- loudest whine of “there is nothing to eat”
Points are awarded for each item of food actually removed from the fridge or pantry and there is an increased degree of difficulty for foods that have to be heated, peeled or spread.
Event 4 – Laundry Hamper Basketball: teens compete to throw dirty laundry into the hamper much like conventional basketball. There is a three-point line and points are deducted if any item from a flying bundle lands next to the hamper or if the laundry hamper is broken after a particularly forceful slam dunk.
Event 5 – Teenage Habitat Hurdles: parents compete to retrieve selected items such as used drinking glasses and gum wrappers from their teen’s room battling obstacle courses made of piles clothes, paper and general “stuff”. This is a timed event and the quickest out the door wins. Points are deducted for touching any of the piles, cleaning up or for failing to make it out of the room altogether.
Event 6 – Bathroom Use Marathon: teens compete to spend as much time in the bathroom as possible during peak times with the object of causing maximum inconvenience to other family members. Teens will be judged on the length of their shower (the longer the better), the amount of product applied to their body (shampoo deodorant, gel or makeup or preferably all four for maximum degree of difficulty points) and poses/stances made before the mirror. Scores are awarded out of ten by a panel of judges much like gymnastics.
Event 7 – Electronic Gadget Decathlon: teens compete for the ultimate Parenteen Olympics event in which the winner is the athlete who uses the highest number of electronic gadgets at the same time. Permitted gadgets include televisions, laptops, I-Pads, smart phones and gaming consoles. Simultaneous use must be sustained for at least one continuous minute. Hernia prevention belts may be worn.
Let’s celebrate our inner athlete and enjoy our pride of place on the winner’s podium. Medals are awarded on the earlier of the teen turning 21 or moving out of home.
Have you been in training for the Parenteen Olympics? Do you have a favourite event? Are you or do you know a champion of any of the events?
Raising the Curtain 
This is too funny. I still have two and a 21 year old who sometimes acts like one. Here is one – “The Bite Your Tongue Event.” This occurs when after telling a child something for many months and sometimes years, they realize what you had said is true when another child tells them it or it finally dawns on them.” The temptation to say “I told you so, is immense.” I once told one of my children when he was performing in marching band and it was chilly and he did not want to take a coat – “my job as a parent is to make you take this coat. Your job as my child is to bring it back. What you do with it in the middle is entirely up to you.” Well done.
The Bite Your Tongue Event is a classic, clearly tied to the Light Bulb Moment Event! Great advice about the jacket. my kids would rather freeze than take an extra piece of clothing and guess who gives over their jacked when said child turns blue?… sigh!
You made me giggle and that is doing something when I’m suffering with a bout of insomnia! Loved the quote about nothing being lost until your mother can’t find it. Well, here’s one for you. In my world Juanita’s is my personal blood hound. Nothing is ever truly lost until she can’t find it… 😉
I’m glad I made you giggle. Every good woman needs a Juanita ;). Hope you got some sleep in the end.
Hilarious… and soooooo true!
Thanks, great to see you here :)!
This is an amazing idea for a post. I don’t have a teen anymore but am impressed. So who won the gold at you house this Olympic season? Ha ha.
Tess, you know what I’m going to say right? The family is the gold medal winner :)!
Judy there are feathers in your wake, you are flying!
The event I feel can be contributed to this parenting olympics is the speed trials at the feeding trough. Teens engage in strategic, team building exercises are included in this but are not limited to and when it comes to chow down it becomes an exercise of every man for himself.
The build up for this event would be to engage in random, strategic hits in view of how to annoy the chef by raiding of said fridge, random enquiries of ‘when is dinner ready’ or ‘what’s for dinner?’ quickly followed by ‘I don’t like that, can I have something different?’ and stealth attacks on the cookware in an attempt to sample/freeze/derail cook’s attempts at delivering a tasty, well rounded and edible meal for the family.
Once the meal is delivered to the offspring with the concept of a family meal it becomes a degree of hard, fast every man for himself. Whilst the cook and partner are settling the food in question has managed to disappear down the considerable gullet of the teen and they are ready to bolt back to training in the form of social media and technology leaving the chef and partner to stare at the vacated seats in bemused silence.
This is both pack behavior and separation in a fight for a competition of the fittest. It is a feat that I have personally observed across generations and think that it is directly linked to the randomness of the xy chromosome.
Ha, ha. I think I’m going to stay clear of dinner at your house or bring my flack jacket! The hand has to be quicker than the eye, right?
hilarious! You failed to mention the event of kids eating your groceries as they are being unloaded from the car… the winner is when you go to put groceries away and none are there as they have already been consumed… 😉
Yes, the old Grocery Carry Stash. Hey, it makes for lighter bags ;)!
Your paranteen olympics hit home with me. In fact, I just returned from a visit to my preteen’s bedroom and about had a heart attack. How can that much damage happen in the two days since I’ve last been up there? Needless to say, allowance will be held for a while. 🙂
I prescribe a good dose of chocolate and some blogging time as a remedy :). Seriously, they are quick aren’t they?
He assures me it will be all clean tomorrow. I’ll believe it when I see it. 🙂
Are there extra points for leaving the refrigerator door open for a period of time? Love this post!! I was definitely in the god medal catagory back when I was a teen! 😉
Oh yes, thanks NOFTTY. If the open door buzzer sounds more than 3 times then that’s 5 automatic points! I never did this, I was the model child…. and I have bridge I’d like to sell you ;).
🙂
My son gets the Gold for his famous daily rant..”there is NOTHING in this house to eat” as he stands in front of the fridge. He participates in this event at lease twice a day! We won’t even discuss lost items.
My daughter gets the prize for MOOD SWINGS. She’s upstairs right now accepting her medal for best interpretation of a fire breathing dragon!
LOVE this post!
Ah mood swings and daughters, I can’t even begin to contemplate how much fun that must be. I just thought of another event, Non-Communication Dodgeball, the idea is to answer any parental questions asked but not really give any information away. Extra points are awarded for smart parents with savvy questioning techniques
Thank goodness there was never a Parenteen Olympics held here…..we always sent our only competitor to other parents arenas. Giving is always more rewarding than receiving.
Clearly :)! Children are the gifts that keep on giving.
Event 3 would be my personal fave. The ability of a teenage boy to stand in front of said pantry/fridge & complain non-stop about the fact that his brother either a: ate all the Milo b: his brother ate all the biscuits or c: MUUUMMM make me some food or I’ll tell everyone you abuse me… 😉
Thanks for stopping by and commenting. Yes, I’ve had (c), but more along the lines of make me some food or I’ll die. No. 3 was my fave too :).
Those were classic! PS, I was wondering what happened to your swim team, they normally rock the Olympics
(in swimming that is) 😀
Questions will be asked and will need to be answered once the swim team returns home. I suspect Rio will be very different as a result.
I bet. I love the US / AU swim rivalry each year. I think it pushes us both
Parenting itself is one big marathon, isn’t it? At different points there seemed like there was a lit of urgency, but now as my youngest turns 16 I can ( my husband was right) it was all about pacing yourself and stay calm and steady for the long haul. Loved your post, great idea.
You’re right, parenting is a marathon and we never really reach the finish line. Maybe there should be a poster “Keep Calm and Parent”.