Whether you’re working from home because your kid is sick, you freelance or you’re still looking for a job, there’s one thing you must do during a conference call: Get your kid to shut up.
Children hate anyone who takes your attention away from them. Like the animals that can sense an impending earth-quake, children can tell when you are about to say something very important to a client. They have a superpower and they use it for evil. You must prepare. – Sh*tty Mum: The Parenting Guide For The Rest Of Us by Laurie Kilmartin, Karen Moline, Alice Ybarbo and Mary Ann Zoellner, Abrams Image 2012
If you are a parent who is always perfect in how you deal with your children and have no tolerance for those who are not then you are going to hate this post. I suggest you look away now to avoid the stress and anxiety not to mention beads of sweat that will form above your immaculately presented upper lip once you have delved into my imperfect world. For I am about to jump into that can of worms that is perfection and parenting or as I sometimes call it, perfecting the generations.
I have been a human being for 50 years. I have been a parent for almost 20 of those years. Little did I know that almost 20 years ago, I would be given my pass to the secret code. The Mo Code. Back in 2012, I wrote about the Mo Code in a blog about how to survive a road trips with teenagers. The Mo Code is my term for things that real mothers do and say, rather than what they should say. This is in sharp contrast to the utterances of Stepford mothers or the advice given by parenting manuals and advice columns, highlighting a kind of parenting credibility gap.
From the day I first gave birth, I was thrown into a vortex of expectation, both mine and others’. Everyone wants to be perceived to be the perfect parent, or if not perfect then at least a good one. And so the Mo Code comes into play. How dare we admit that parenting is hard or that little Johnny sometimes wears the same socks for three days straight? Or that we have allowed our children to watch TV for 15 minutes whilst taking a client call? Or that we sometimes feel overwhelmed, ill-equipped, tired and stressed, namely we are not perfect parents? Most of us admit these things only to the closest of confidants and definitely behind the curtain.
And then there’s the guilt. Guilt, parenting and perfection is the great triumvirate of birthing. Those clever ad executives with their baby product clients know this and peddle all three. Everyone’s a winner, right? Well everyone except us parents. Because any satisfaction or that we may have gained from buying into this consumer perfection, quickly evaporates when the next product comes onto the market.
Really, at the end of the day the only legitimate judges of our parenting are our children and ourselves, and even then how success in parenting is defined is highly subjective.
The important thing is that we keep parenting real. We need to talk about the hardships, the pitfalls, the wins and the losses and what really works for us. And we need to do it without guilt and with humour and authenticity. In this way we will be doing a huge service not only to ourselves but to future generations of parents who will carry the weight of expectation well beyond the time their baby bump has disappeared.
For this reason, a book such as Sh*tty Mum: The Parenting Guide For The Rest Of Us is to be welcomed. Not everyone will applaud or understand as the Amazon reviews will attest. However, it brings the real covert behaviour of the Mo Code out into the open and creates a new dialogue from a most refreshing angle. As this post from Essential Kids tells us:
In fact, a recent survey by parenting website BabyCentre in the UK found that lying is widespread among mothers. The pressure on them to be ‘perfect’ led to more than half of those questioned saying they felt the need to lie about their parenting skills to make them seem like better parents to others. Nine out of ten mothers confessed to using television to keep their children quiet, while 71 per cent admitted to lying to their child to make their day easier and a fifth of those questioned said they occasionally replaced a healthy dinner with chocolate and sweets.
These statistics don’t surprise me and I suspect they would be closely replicated in Australia.
It’s a real shame that we feel the need to be pressured by perception. Parenting is a unique journey for all of us and we should be supporting each other rather than treating it and our kids as the trophies of our perfection.
I really hope that one day we can let our parenting authenticity shine though so that we can enjoy it 100% guilt free like these authors.
14 thoughts on “The G of Living Imperfectly: Generations and Guilt #atozchallenge”
I’m busted. I openly used bribery as a way of gaining cooperation. Parents have to do whatever it takes to maintain a level of sanity in their lives.
Agreed, and we shouldn’t be shy about it.
Anybody who thinks they’re a perfect parent doesn’t have kids. All we can do is our best, and when we mess up, apologize and move on.
Wise words, Carrie. There are no perfect kids either, they can only really do their best also.
My hubby and I both work from home and will do whatever we have to to keep the kids quiet when necessary! Really truly though, I agree with you on “parenting real”. AS hard as that is: the judging that comes along with doing that (especially as a young parent!) it’s important for our kids. I was raised by “real parents” and I turned out just fine! Great Post!
I had this very scenario many times. As time wore on, client became more understanding particularly as they were in the same boat. Here’s huge shout out to all REAL parents!
I was not a perfect mother. Not even close. My kids weren’t perfect either. I think we deserved each other. 😀
“Perfect parenting” is the same kind of impossible-to-achieve myth as “you can have it all”.
More power to you for kicking guilt to the curb.
Took me a while to figure out, but I got there eventually. You’re right about “having it all” that’s a whole other level of perfect.
I think we owe to our kids to own up to not being perfect. (I do it lots!!!! ) If we think we’re under pressure now, imagine how much pressure our kids will feel when it’s their turn…
We do owe it to them as we are one of their principal educators. They need to be comfortable in their own imperfection.
Judy, this is outstanding and should be required reading for new parents. It is hard. Also, I was thinking of an example we are dealing with when a child drops a college class that is important and now he has to unsettle his summer and ours. Thinking in the now is a norm for a child. We knew when he did it there would be future ramifications. Surprise, there are. Argh. BTG
We are dealing with similar issues also, but I think that children need to feel ramifications of their decisions. We tend to spend too much time when they are younger trying to make our children not feel the consequences and it doesn’t do them any real favours in the long run. Kids need to be resilient and need to learn the skills to be so from somewhere.
Mine are 27 and 31 and I still stuff up with them. Oh and the 27 still interrupts me while I’m on the phone! 🙂