Tag Archives: life

Herding Teenagers? Unlocking The Secrets Of The Mo Code

School holidays.

Two seemingly innocuous words. School is a means of delivering education and education means empowerment. Holidays are fun, free, relaxed and something to look forward to.  School holidays are therefore an opportunity for fun, free, relaxed empowerment, right?

image from freedigitalphotos.net

If you are a mother of teenagers, like me, you’re now reading this sporting an all knowing grin. That grin that says you know otherwise, that years of experience has taught you that all the relaxing, fun and empowerment are on the kids’ side of the ledger and that you will be secretly applauding the day school resumes and your life returns to the track called S-A-N-I-T-Y. We never speak of this publicly of course, except to our closest confidants lest we be judged as anything less than wonderful parents. But tap into the roots of maternal realism and you will discover a world of secret code, secret handshakes and stories you won’t find in What To Expect When You Are Expecting.  This is called the Mo Code.

After three weeks of mid year break, my teens are back at school. This three-week break was a little different to past holiday breaks for several reasons. My 17 year old, Future Baseball Star, was eight short weeks away from “Trials” which is the last big exam event/ practice run before the real deal starting in late October. My 13 year old, Geek God in Training, just entered “manhood”, a significant event which we have celebrated in the past by embarking on a coming-of-age trip. As a family, we needed time together before the Teens scatter to the wind of their own lives. So, it was with much hope and determination that I herded the Teens and the Italian Stallion together for a five day road trip.

After you have attempted to herd cats teenagers a few times, you begin to learn the anatomy of the herding experience and as a community service to all of you would be mothers or mothers of teenage boys  in training, I present to you the following extract from the Mo Code. Please treat this with the reverence and confidentiality deserving of a rare glimpse into the secrets of the Code. For all you experienced mothers of teens or adults, treat this as reinforcement and part of the duty to support each other in this most arduous part of the parenting journey.

Herding Teens 101

    1. Once you have decided on the activity for which herding is required, give your teens the two weeks to go early warning signal. This allows time for your teens to process the information (this will take about four days) and for them to feel that they have issued you with the required number of complaints about said activity.

    2. Ignore said complaints or only deal with them by way of witty rejoinder. Never try to reason with your teens or state that contrary to their beliefs, your chosen activity will be fun, entertaining and memorable. Never show doubt or fear. Teens can sniff both a mile away.

    3.  During the lead up to the activity, eat and sleep well. You will need your strength.

    4. Invite your teens to research the place or activity beforehand and to suggest any things they might like to do. They will ignore this opportunity, but it is important that you issue the invitation.

    5. Subtly remind your teens to arrange or rearrange their schedules so that you have the required time available for the chosen activity. The key here is subtlety – you wouldn’t want them to miss anything really important to them, would you?

    6. Sporadically drop into conversation some of the detail of the activity you plan, but do not respond to the complaints or if you do, use only the strategy in B above. Teens do not like complete surprises.

    7. Issue the one week to go early warning signal. For details, see A above.

    8. Reassure your teens that any hotel or place where you will stay has electricity and a WIFI connection. Trust me, you can’t fight this one. It’s better to go with it and make sure you spend time away from the hotel or place.

    9. Have your teens pack their clothes etc. But do a quick check before you leave or you might end up with two T-shirts, three gadget chargers and one pair of boxers for a five day stay in winter! Have said teen take any necessary remedial packing action.

    10. Keep up the good cheer, positivity and unflinching witty rejoinders… you’re almost there!

    11. Pack any personal provisions you need to see you through the “Cacophony Of Complaints”. This is the first hour after you embark on your chosen activity where your teens will escalate their complaints to a crescendo and eventually come to realise there is no turning back. It is critical at this point you adhere to point B  above and also that you drop a few fart jokes (as opposed to actual farts) here and there. Deflection/distraction –  works for teens as well as it does for toddlers, only the level of (non) sophistication changes.  As for provisions, I suggest, as a minimum, an I-Pod, chocolate, chewing gum, reviews and info on the latest teen movies, games and bands and a water pistol.

    12. Playfully engage with your teenagers for the next couple of hours, humorously lamenting with them about how much being away from their usual routine does actually suck. Reminding them about world poverty at this point is not a good tactic, although reminding them about similar suckiness their mates had to endure at the hands of their parents seems to work.

    13. Herding completed. You are now free to go about the business of making happy family memories.

Image from freedigitalphotos.net

There it is, the thirteen steps to herding success from the Mo Code.  Successful herding will give you immense satisfaction and wonderful anecdotes.  Trust me, I know…I’m a professional.

Have you ever had to convince a less than supportive group to come along with you somewhere? Do you have any great herding stories? Any refinements to my extract from the Mo Code?

Let’s Phlog Monday: Shear Forces

M.I.A.

Three letters, one concept, apt description of the past couple of weeks.

There seems to be much to catch up on in blogdom since I was last here and I will endeavour to do so over the next few days.  But now it’s time for a good phlogging.

My last phlog centered on non-coastal landscapes and the search for the right pathway. Today, I would like to return to that landscape and explore the concept of sheer forces.

There is a duality in images of jagged rock. On the one hand the images can be beautiful and convey the passage of time and events. Examine the layers, each tells a story and provides a foundation to that which comes after it. Each layer is discreet, a beginning and an end. How many layers do we have in each of our lives? Have we built strong foundations for what is to come? Are we comfortable in having the layers exposed? Can we withstand a sheer force?

On the other had, the images can be harsh and unforgiving. The smoothness is hidden behind jagged edges and shattered pieces. Each break represents a cataclysmic  event, a force that was not reckoned with. A power that was not harnessed.

However, even a cataclysmic event, a sheer force creates something new that can be pleasing to the eye. Something that would never have been uncovered were it not for the application of an external event. Sheer forces bring a perspective we did not have before, a test of our strength and resilience and the opportunity to reshape and rethink. We may not immediately be able to deal with the exposed surfaces or jagged edges that ensue, but most will be smoothed and covered over time… if we let them and embrace the new landscape.

Enjoy these natural and man-made shear surfaces and think about your strength and beauty and the layers which represent the events and sheer forces in your life which you have survived.

Force

Fissure

Fracture

Function

Forward

Federation Square – Melbourne, Australia

Happy Monday and may you have the strength to withstand any shear forces that come at you this week.

Call Me Martian, Call Me Venusian, Just Don’t Call Me Shedless

In 1992 relationship counsellor, John Gray PhD, released his bestseller – Men Are from Mars, Women Are From Venus. According to its publisher, Harper Collins, the book is the all time bestseller in the hardcover non fiction category. Apparently it has sold more than 7 million copies.

I am guessing that most female humans of my vintage have read the book. For those of you who are smart younger things or who have been living under a rock, the book attempts to explain the differences in psyche between males and females and how each gender understands the behaviours and mores of its own species, but not that of the other. When the book was released it made quite a splash and his since spawned many sequels, a board game and even nutritional products under the name of Venus Calm and Mars Revive. The choice of these names is interesting… it seems that women are really stressed and men just comatose. That probably works for most households.

But back to the book! I will admit to buying and reading a copy and that my motive for doing was slightly less than pure. My thinking was that the book would surly confirm the superiority and correctness of the Venusian way of thinking whilst providing a humorously entertaining rationale for the inferiority of the Martian thought patterns.  Namely, a snickerworthy book.

Within these pages I fully expected to identify the Italian Stallion’s traits as well as my own and see us emerge. I was not disappointed, emerge we did. By chapter four, I was convinced I was clearly Martian!  By chapter five, I concluded that the Italian Stallion had done a tour of duty on Venus, although I will never publicly admit to thinking he was part Venusian for emasculation is never pretty.  With each turn of the page, my smug Venusian superiority began to ebb. The truth is that of course each individual possess both Martian and Venusian traits.

Chapter three of the book is particularly enlightening. It deals with the concept of the “man cave”, that safe place where Martians retreat to deal with stress. Martians tend to turn inwards to deal and need space and analysis to work through problems. Even if they can’t solve their big problem, they will start by solving any problem. When they are in their cave, men tend to become preoccupied and less responsive. Venusians on the other hand want to talk about and share their problems. They are not necessarily looking for solutions, but the act of sharing itself lightens the burden.

Initially I’m Martian when it comes to problems and then I briefly turn Venusian. I need my cave or what I have now termed my “she shed” as a safe harbour to work stuff out and THEN and only THEN will I bounce my proposed solution or thinking off others. The other is usually a Venusian, but it depends on the nature of the issue. The ultimate solution is usually a meld of the “she shed” product and the post shed Venusian discussion.

The Italian Stallion’s man cave is his workshop. A truly male place where tools snuggle comfortably against each other reveling in the smell of paint and solvent. I have no similar space. I am shedless.

No matter where I lay my hat, some or other of my male folk follow. They are Martians, they are supposed to understand this! It reminds me of when the boys were toddlers, that wonderful stage when they follow you everywhere and I mean EVERYWHERE. There is no space where I can just do my own thing and leave clutter, open books, highlighters, sticky notes or whatever and no-one touches them or passes comment. I like my clutter and mess, it’s very comforting and yes folks, there is a system… one only I and perhaps a few like-minded  Venusians understand, but a system nevertheless.

So, I am now searching for my she shed. Some of you no doubt will think that it won’t be long before the kids move out and I will then have too much space and quiet. Well yes… but that doesn’t negate my immediate need. Besides it’s now winter and it’s too cold to ruminate outside for long and who wants to ruminate outdoors at night anyway?

Every good modern search starts on the Internet. How about these sheds for starters?

Fear not dear readers, I will keep you updated on my search for the perfect she shed, a place to inspire my proposed series of blog posts entitled “Tales From the She Shed”. That series where I haven’t yet thought about content. In the meantime, let me reassure you with each contraction and labour pain that I’m really not a hairy dude biker with a big Adam’s apple, but rather I embrace my Martian side.

And I have the stretch marks to prove it!

Do you have a space that is all your own? If so let us know how it feels and what it looks like.

Let’s Phlog Monday: Finding That Path Through The Forest And The Trees….

… and the rocks and escarpment.

Firstly, let me apologise for my absence from blogdom all week. It’s been one of those introspective weeks where I have been trying to make sense of it all. Much needed and no doubt some of this introspection will find its way here at some point. Raising that Curtain just a little bit higher requires a fair bit of energy and my writing has been impacted. Coupled with that is trying to ascertain where my true blog voice lies. This week has been about searching for answers or at least trying to narrow the breadth of questions.

As a part of that process I went for a trek out bush. Nature has a way of providing cues and motivation and on this occasion it didn’t disappoint. One of my bluggies (blog buddies), dearanonymousfriend, through her comments inspired me to take photos of some of our non-coastal landscapes. I hope you find the results as pleasing as the coastal photos.

The photos are from an area called the Blue Mountains which is famous for its escarpment and a rock formation called the Three Sisters, for obvious reasons. On the day we descended the Giant Stairway through the Three Sisters to the floor of the Jamison Valley below.  The Stairway is carved into the cliff face and comprises 911 stairs with a drop of almost 300 metres. The expression “jelly legs” was very much at the fore of our minds. Once at the bottom we walked the Federal Pass along the base of the escarpment, a walk of about 3.1 km. The walk is not unduly difficult but does require a fair degree of fitness and I absolutely recommend it if you are thinking of playing tourist here.

Apart from breathing in the fresh mountain air and scouting photo ops, I was happy to be travelling along a discernible path. One that left no doubts about the direction of travel, one that ended at a meaningful destination, in this case, the Scenic Railway. Whilst there were side paths, they were less developed and the destination a little more uncertain. How many of us are searching for that path to that meaningful destination? I don’t need a path that is necessary well-travelled, I am happy to be a pioneer to an extent. But I am one that needs to understand the destination if only in an oblique sense and to be able to see a few steps in front of me.

One thing the trek taught me is that to be able to discover that next path, I need to be mindful of both the forest and the trees. The bigger picture and each individual element is equally as important and needs to be savoured. It also taught me that symbiosis is often necessary to maximise opportunities.

Symbiosis

Journey

Growth

Destination

Three Sisters

 Do you like to pioneer or go down a path more travelled?

Let’s Phlog Monday: Coastal Textures

Patterns are intriguing. Particularly natural ones.

They depict a wonderful combination of logic and creativity. A meeting of the left and right brains. For the longest time, my creative side has been drowned out by logic, reasoning, problem solving, facts, principles, process and tasks. If you are one of the lucky ones that have married your logical and creative sides, then I applaud you. This is still very much a work in progress for me.

I am often awed by the surrounding coastal landscape and the patterns found within it. Even when there are obvious natural flaws, the patterning is often sublime and impossible to humanly replicate. Elements combining together to construct three dimensional wizardry. The energy used to create these patterns is often immense, but Mother Nature takes it all in stride. Patterning is the instrument of the universe.

Here are some coastal patterns I have recently encountered. I hope you can feel the texture of the images in these photos. There’s a beauty in patterned repetition. Rough and smooth, creativity and logic…… balance.

Smooth

Weather

Erode

Design 

Create 

Do you tend to be more creative or logical? 

DIY And The Art of Fire Protection – Part 2

I’m loving all of your alarm mishap/relationship comments on Part 1 of this story. Makes me feel less alone in my alarm angst. And I’m definitely going to have to try the tea towel waving technique, something about that appeals to my inner playful child. Towel flinging brings back so many happy memories.

The star of today’s post is not a fire alarm, but a fire extinguisher. The fire extinguisher appearing below to be precise.

Weekends are always DIY dangerous in this neck of the woods. They represent 48 hours in which to carry out amazing feats of DIY daring, innumerable trips to the hardware store and little DIY surprises. Good weekends end without trips to the hospital. All kidding aside, I truly admire the Italian Stallion’s DIY skill and stamina, not to mention his hardware collection. Remember when hardware meant tools, nails and fixy bits rather than computer parts? I googled hardware the other day to try to find some images of hammers, saws and fixy bits but was inundated with pictures of hard drives, chips and wires. I wonder what hardware will mean to my children.

My recent gift to the Italian Stallion

Last weekend was a DIY weekend for the Stallion. There were at least two trips to the hardware store that I know about. I suspect there were more stealthy ones. But who can blame the Italian Stallion? Who wouldn’t want a trip to nirvana where a standing ovation awaits for being the most frequent buyer? I have no doubt that employees seek out the Italian Stallion to ask him where the 2 inch singing Phillips head screw drivers and matching colour coordinated socket head screws are located. Whilst this is a rather feminine take on the world of hardware – colour and song choice would never enter into the male equation – I’m sure you get the gist. Which brings me to the following Curtain Raising thought:

How many different hammers does one guy need?

Answer: More than girls have types of sandals.

Have we the women, finally stumbled on the male equivalent of “I don’t have a thing to wear”? “Honey, I don’t have a thing with which to repair?

I could go on like this for hours, but there’s the small matter of the fire extinguisher.

So the weekend is drawing to a close, Sunday evening and dinner is cooking and I’m at the sink, washing up. Thankfully, the smoke alarm is silent and the Italian Stallion still has all his fingers. It’s been a good couple of days. Arms elbow deep in suds, the Italian Stallion rocks up and the following conversation ensues:

IS: “I’ve been to the hardware store today.”

CR: “Yeah? Wesfarmers share price will surly spike tomorrow.”

IS: “I bought a fire extinguisher for the workshop.”

CR: “Great”

IS: “I bought two, actually. One for the kitchen as well.”

CR: “One for the kitchen?”

IS: “Sure, where would you like me to install it?”

CR: [This is totally left field and I fumble the ball] “I dunno.”

IS: “How about here?” – IS takes the fire extinguisher and holds it next to the most prominent position in the kitchen.

CR: [Now totally drop the ball] “Really? It’s so industrial looking.”

The sound of a burst bubble fills the air. In my defence though, I felt totally ambushed. I like surprises as much as the next person, but this was totally unexpected and besides I had my hands in the sink! Further, the vision for my normal residential kitchen does not include industrial fittings.  This is only the first step and I fear one that could set a dangerous precedent. What happens if the Stallion suddenly rocks up with 100 metres of industrial grey carpet or industrial shelving? I feel I am at the flood gates of hardware hell, it is starting to invade my living space.

No doubt, the extinguisher will go up…somewhere … eventually. And now I’m on guard for anything resembling industrial/office wear. A Blackberry is one thing. A fire extinguisher is quite another. Even with my lack of interior decorating talent I know that “Office – circa early 90’s” is not the way to go.

In the meantime, the only real mode of fire protection I want to embrace is this:

Has any person you live with ever brought home anything that was totally unexpected?

DIY And The Art Of Fire Protection – Part 1

I have had a week filled with fire protection devices. Before anyone panics, there’s been no smoke and certainly no fire. No flames, no ashes, no cinders. I am happy to report that the house and all its inhabitants are still intact.

These encounters are largely due to the Italian Stallion and his passion for DIY. Actually, having a hubby who not only has the passion, but the skills to match is extremely beneficial, although the downside is the potential to be woken up at 7am on a weekend morning to the sound of a working drill emanating from the garage below the bedroom. Passion like this cannot be confined to normal waking hours.

Photo: freedigitalphotos.net

I really only came into the benefit of a DIY household in my marriage. My late father’s DIY skills extended to dialling the phone number of the nearest handyman and to negotiating payment and price. Dad did a fair job although he was the consummate delegator to my mother who then had to deal with the handyman to get the job done. My working mother was wise, she always knew that when Dad said “we need to get the pipe fixed” that translated to “you, my darling wife, need to be here to oversee the fixing of the pipe, wait around in the hope that the handy man shows up and inspect and approve the work with the skill of a seasoned building inspector and arrange payment”.

Anyway, back to the present…

Some years ago, my State introduced the requirement for every residence to install smoke alarms within a certain distance of each bedroom.  This meant we had to install a smoke alarm somewhere near the upstairs bedrooms. The base of the stairwell to our second story is near the kitchen and the Italian Stallion used his wonderful DIY skills to promptly install the alarm in the ceiling above the said stairwell base on the ground floor.  However, this smoke alarm is a bit of a SNAD – sensitive new age device and starts shreeking with monotonous regularity. The fact that it does this at the times I am preparing dinner is purely coincidental.

For whatever reason, the SNAD has decided it cannot cohabit with the oven. The oven has been cleaned to within an inch of its element, but still the SNAD has issues. Manually turning off the SNAD would be an easy task – a push of the button – if only I was an Amazonian. I am not short, in fact I can push five foot, nine/ten inches in heels. However, the ceiling is about six and a half feet off the ground above the stairwell. Even balancing on the third step, I am an inch or two short and I can’t even use a chair to stand on given the stairs. I have therefore resorted to using implements to silence the SNAD. This week it was the feather duster jab… it worked, but I came away with an extra plastic bit in my hand. I have also used a shoe, a rolling-pin, a broom and a loaf of bread. I’m quite partial to the shoe technique although this tends to leave unwanted scuff marks in the absence of Lionel Richie having danced on my ceiling.

Things are only marginally better when either my eldest or the Italian Stallion is at home. They of the required footage and inchage also suffer from selective deafness. When the SNAD finally penetrates either brain because it has reached some arbitrary unbearable level, out storms one or the other and silences the SNAD usually with a fist and a grunt for good measure. The result is silence and a rather sad smoke detector with cover, battery and wires left hanging.

We live in a world where we have armed ourselves with protection and reminders – fire alarms, car alarms, house alarms, merchandise theft protection devices, alarm clocks and phones  – and spend our life ignoring them. Most shop assistants don’t even pause when they hear the noise, they have experienced so many false alarms. Office workers spend their lives dodging fire drills and nobody tends to move when a fire alarm activates. Car alarms are more often used to find lost vehicles after a happy night out.

The next step for us is to send the oven and SNAD off to couples therapy. Either that or it’s take away every night. Now, there’s an idea…

Are there any noises that really annoy you? Do you have your alarms well trained? 

Cleaniness May Be Next to Godliness But Mess Is Next To Joyfulness

Mess, what a great topic. I am not talking about mess in the physical mess, although I am quite partial to sticking my hands in mud, sand and cream, although probably not all at the same time. And I have given fleeting thought to jumping into a pool of jelly, fully clothed without any wrestling involved, but the thought of that much jelly wastage keeps me firmly grounded.

The concept of mess is more about the consequences of having taken a conscious step. You do something, another thing or several things you deem unpleasant follow. This follow on is the creation of mess and mess usually needs to be dealt with. Ignoring mess, just makes it worse as mess tends to breed.

Most mess is planned and predictable. When you decide to jump into that enticing puddle, you know that you will end up with wet shoes and wet trousers that will most likely need cleaning once you are done. As puddles do, it beckons and you are willing to expend the energy to clean up. Other mess is neither planned nor predictable. Having decided to jump into that puddle, you didn’t see the black dirt that lay under the water and the splash you created has actually reached your coat. The mess created is bigger than you initially anticipated and you will now need even more energy to deal with it. Whilst these examples happen to involve physical mess I could equally have used examples that do not.

We learn from an early age that mess is to be avoided. We spend a lot of time ensuring that our children make as little mess as possible and teach them (mostly through chiding) that mess is bad. Further and regrettably, we spend a lot of time cleaning up our children’s messes because heaven forbid they should actually have to experience mess. But if we do this, how are they ever going to learn how to assess predictable mess or how to deal with mess? Are we to deny our children the joy of playing in the mud because it creates physical mess that we will have to clean?

Mess avoidance tends to lead to:

    • a flawlessly clean existence that is not a life
    • a lack of resilience
    • black and white two dimensional living
    • stagnation
    • fear

As such I’m here to advocate for mess.

For the longest time, I feared mess, spent a lot of time and energy avoiding it (well, except in the physical sense, but that’s another story you can ask the long suffering Italian Stallion). Living a life, growing and experiencing is messy. There is just no way around it. Now I put that same energy into dealing with mess, which in most cases turns out to be less messy than my inner voice had led me to believe.  But the joy of having given myself permission to create mess and have the experience along the way far outweighs the energy expended to deal with the mess.  And for the most part, I have stopped cleaning my sons’ messes. The time has come for them to learn their own cleaning techniques, with my support and guidance.

Embracing mess means embracing possibility, potential and growth. It means involvement, engagement and life. Permit yourself to experience mess. You may even learn some new clean-up techniques.

I thank my new found relationship with mess in bringing me to the blogging world. It has not been a flawless performance every time, but I know that I can deal with any mess. And in any event, the concept of immaculate is generally overrated.

When was the last time you got literally messy? Please feel free to leave your finger prints all over the dust in my comment box.

Good Oral Hygene And The Art of Salemanship

Confession: I have always had an uneasy relationship with dentists and the dental profession. There’s just something about someone poking in your mouth and causing you pain whilst trying hard not to look up your nose that just doesn’t have me wringing my hands in delight at upcoming dental appointments. Apologies to any dentists or dental hygienists. As the Donald would say, it’s not personal it’s my oral pain threshold.

This week was one of those biannual dental check up weeks.  I’ve concluded that dentists are great sales people. How clever is it that they convince you to make the next appointment just moments after you have escaped from THAT chair and are basking in post dental after-glow?  Seriously, if I smoked, I would reach for a cigarette then and there! And having made the appointment for six months time (because the dental gods have been known to shine on occasion), you insert it in your diary and happily forget until about two weeks beforehand when your stomach reminds you that your trip to the torture chamber looms.

I have had the same dental hygienist for more than a decade. She’s great despite my forgivings about a trip to her torture chamber.  Leaving aside her plaque removal techniques (which of course are second to none), we have some great conversations. No, really..we do, despite the immobilization of my implement filled mouth and the taste of fluoride. You can say a lot with a simple, well-timed “ahamurf”.

My dental reluctance/phobia.. whatever you want to call it… had its genesis in my formative years when I became VERY well acquainted with my first dentist at the age of six. We had to drive over three bridges and an hour and half each way for each apointment and I had to take a friend. This was so because it was the only way my mother knew how to deal with my catatonic fear. My poor wit-ended mother had found the only dentist within cooee who was a child specialist.  I suppose I would have felt really special had I not always had the feeling like I was about to toss my lunch every time. This dentist was a rather formidable, orange haired lady who countered her sternness by wearing a dental coat covered in cartoon characters and the promise of a balloon after treatment. How’s that for high tech distraction? This relationship lasted until I was 13 when I was told that I had to move on.  As a graduation gift I got the opportunity to become acquainted with the BIG adult dentist.

Visions of Ms Sterntist and BIG adult dentist have stayed with me all of these years. They are not fond memories and I am happy to say I am replacing them with memories of Good Conversationalist Hygienist.  GCH always does an initial thorough exam… there’s some poking, then some prodding…the mirror swish and that blast of cold water. Treatment then ensues culminating in the absolutely AWFUL taste of fluoride. How is it that we live in the twenty-first century and have not come up with better tasting fluoride that one can rinse?

But just before the fluoride hit, GCH always delivers her pronouncement on my quality of oral care over the last six months. This always makes me nervous… yes, ma’am I really do floss every day, really. How ridiculous is it that a simple “you’ve been doing well lately, your mouth looks really good” makes me feel ten feet tall? But it does and I pass with honours. Let the angels sing, I have impressed my hygienist!

So contemplating my new found oral care goddess status, I arise from the chair and happily make my next appointment. Walking on air and notionally smoking my cigarette, I even pay for the privilege to be tortured. I have made my dental hygienist happy!

Photo from hotfunnyclub.com

Seriously, how good ARE these people?

Do you ever worry about impressing a health care professional?

Take a NY Times Bestseller And Twist: Cracked Book Titles

Every good woman deserves a fabulous hair treatment once in a while. This good woman had exactly that earlier this week after a prolonged dry spell. For there comes a point in time when an ever expanding regrowth just needs to be dealt with and the good woman needs to catch up on her magazine reading. For some unknown reason this good woman only ever reads print magazines at the hairdressers or in doctor’s offices.

The trip to the hairdressers prompted me to think about books because of course any trip by a normal person to the hairdressers would. Books made me think about Fifty Shades of Grey because the Fifty Shades trilogy seems to have taken over the universe. It is everywhere, at least in these parts, and I see also on the NY Times bestseller list. In my mind and on that day, hairdressers and Fifty Shades Of Grey were braided together because it is a book title that begs to be word-played with.

For your entertainment pleasure, I present to you my list of recently created cracked book titles. All of these are based on books that are currently on the NY Times best seller lists and inspired by my hairdressing trip.

Perspectives on Hairdressing: Fifty Shades of Grey and Fifty Yards of Foil  – ammonia free and gets to the very roots of the industry. Offers a rare top of the head perspective on all things hairdressing, free scalp massage included.

Perspectives on Blind Installation: Fifty Shades Darker with Wooden Slats – a story full off hangups. Pull up a chair and drape yourself in the inside story on shutters versus blinds, wooden versus aluminium. Come, darken your world.

From The Magic of the Electric Eel to Fifty Shades Freed: Highlights of a Plumbing Career  – Marvel at the electric eel and its flexibility to fit around your S bend. Admire the men and women who plumb your depths and never leave home without a plunger. Free can of room freshener provided with every copy.

A Game of Thrones: The Diamond Jubilee and Beyond. Based on the book,  A Game of Thrones by George R. R. Martin. Self explanatory and I thank Her Majesty in advance for the long weekend we are about to receive in honour of her not-real birthday.

Memoirs of a Teacher in the New Millenium: A Dance with Parental Dragons and Wizards. Based on the book, A Dance With Dragons by George R.R. Martins and the sequel, In the Garden With Beasts And Sporting Parents, based on In the Garden with Beasts by Eric Larson. We have all seen this sort of unruly behaviour at schools and school sporting fixtures. Get the inside scoop on how to deal with parents behaving badly.

Vision in White: Memoirs of Waiting Patients Who Made An Appointment. Based on the book Vision in White by Nora Roberts. 1,000 pages of easily digestible memoirs that can be devoured in one sitting whilst you wait to see your doctor for that scheduled appointment.

Hotel on the Corner of Bitter and Sweet: Tales From a Teenage Crash Pad,  Fondly Known as The Parental’s Home. Based on the book, Hotel on the Corner of Bitter and Sweet by Jamie Ford. Both perspectives are covered in this one authoritative volume. The author gains real insight into the teenage mind…. prepare to be dazzled and waited on and get your laundry done. On the other hand, be prepared to be bemused as you see only the back of your teenage child as he races out the door. Learn to recognise the signs that your teenage child actually spent some time at home… the empty fridge, the laundry over the floor and crumbs on the kitchen bench… bitter and sweet in one entertaining package.

This is what happens when I go to the hairdresser…. you have now been warned. Any writers out there who are struggling to come up with book titles, I’m free most weeknights…

Do you have any other cracked book titles you wish to add to the list? What do you look forward to about a trip to the hairdresser? Do you have hair or do you miss it?