No doubt you have seen the latest reports from the News of The World phone hacking trial about HRH (aka the Queen) and her nuts. This is a priceless little piece about alleged pilfering by police of HRH’s nut mix and HRH’s displeasure at her finest “scoffing the lot”. Google “The Queen and Nuts” and you will find pages of articles reporting this juicy salty morsel. If you missed the story you can read about it here.

Now, I preface the comments I make about this story with a statement that I am rather fond of HRH and the monarchy in general. Whilst we Australians flirt with the idea of becoming a republic, we haven’t quite succeeded in breaking the monarchical apron strings. Our head of state is still HRH’s representative although she (presently, anyway) is an Australian. So this piece is not about that particular debate and nor is it intended to bash the monarchy.

But really, how can this story go past without comment? It is just too precious.

We learn that HRH apparently prefers savory over sweet and that to meet this need, staff leave out cashews, Bombay Mix and almonds in the hallways of Buckingham Palace. Although some outlets have reported that the nuts were left out in advance for wedding guests of Charles and Camilla, it seems they were firmly intended as a permanent, rather than an event driven, fixture to satisfy HRH’s salty tooth. We also learn that HRH sensing something was amiss marked the level of the bowls with a marker to determine their levels.

One can’t help but applaud HRH’s sleuthing skills and scientific approach. Not for HRH is sitting and waiting to catch the thieves. Clearly HRH understands the merits of forensics and one can’t help but wonder if HRH is a fan of NCIS. And all of this done with a degree of stealth that not even the police detected. One wonders how HRH eliminated the corgis as suspects.

However, one can’t also help but wonder whether the corridors of Buckingham Palace are really so large and long that HRH’s nut cravings have to be met mid transit. Does HRH not have a passel of ladies in waiting and butlers who could bring HRH fresh nuts in her private chambers so the constabulary would not be tempted? And what of hygiene generally? One can’t get past the visual of a row of tiny tables, each 100 metres apart and sporting a lace doily upon which sits an open bowl of Bombay Mix strategically placed down the Palace corridors just in case HRH had an urge for nuts.

Further just how many hours of phone tapping did these journalists have to sift through to find this little morsel? And what about what ended up on the journalistic cutting room floor? Perhaps more would have been revealed about whether HRH would actually use the word “scoffed” or whether she would have used words such as “consumed”, “ingested”, “gobbled”, “gorged” or “devoured”.

Tell me more, I’m going nuts here!

Any way you slice, dice or roast this story it should be digested.

At least I now know what to bring HRH next time I visit England. A bag of Bombay Mix and a finger print set awaits gifting.

We are seriously amused.