Forget The Camel Toe… Introducing The Incredible Shooting Clown Toe

Ever have one of those weeks when truly random events seem to abound? Ever worked your way around things that were truly beyond the scope of your reckoning and imagination?

Your Curtain Raiser has had one of those weeks.

It all started last Monday with a scheduled toe operation. Ok, I had been putting it off with some self-help remedies, but ultimately conceded I had to go under the scalpel. Brushing off the fear of the unknown I headed off to the “Treatment Room”.

Installed in the “Treatment Bed” I eagerly listened to the discourse between the doctor and the nurse, hoping to catch any clue as to what was in store for me:

Dr: “I need a couple of scalpels XX mm thick and a syringe and needle xxx wide, the widest [or was that longest?] one you have.” Big needle

Did I hear correctly? Was that really my doctor asking for the biggest freaking needle in medical history? Surely this was happening in some sort of parallel universe?

A mere ninety minutes later with the biggest needle in medical history having been used on my person, I was limping back home with instructions and pain killers in hand. Pain killers, hah! For wimps, hah! Throbbing? Pain? I have those for breakfast!

By 9pm that night, my inner wimp showed her true colours and was ultimately sated with the meds. My inner wimp thanked me for a good night’s sleep.

The next morning, with my inner wimp firmly back under control, I headed back to the Torture Treatment Room for a dressing change.

Nurse Ratched“Why good morning”, Nurse Ratchet, I didn’t expect you here!”

“Yoo vill sit on the bed, da. You had a toe operation yesterday, da?

“Da, I mean, yes”

“Ok ve vill take a look, da”

Nurse Ratched begins to unbind the bandages, with a great deal of speed and movement. Unfortunately the speed and movement translated to movement and pressure on my toe and I let out a yelp.

“Doz dis hurt?

[No I yelped because I actually wanted to test your hearing range, sheesh!] “Yes”

A nod of the head then ensued but no slowing of the unwrapping motion. Did she not just ask a very pertinent question and did I just not answer in the affirmative? Am I missing something here?

Without delving into the gory details of the dressing change, I can safely say the stars I saw that morning were not the twinkling ones in the sky, given that it was broad daylight and I was indoors. However, I am happy to report that my inner wimp managed to stay silent throughout and with newly pressed calluses on my hands after bearing down on the bed my toe was freshly and professionally “dressed” by Nurse Ratched.

The next day I went to work with my freshly and professionally dressed toe. I wore open toed shoes so as not to squeeze the wound. This is something that I never do, wear open toed shoes in a professional context, so I was self-conscious about my footwear. No-one needs to see toes in an office… well, certainly those of us who are not orthopedic surgeons, pedicurists or podiatrists. But the show had to go on despite my footwear prejudices.

I made it to the bus stop feeling fairly upbeat. My toe didn’t hurt, the toe dressing was still attached and fellow commuters walking towards me didn’t faint at the site of my exposed toes. This was good, I was on the down hill run……. to foot malfunction.

The bus pulled up to the stop and I stepped up onto it, saying hello to the bus driver. As an aside, I always say hello to bus drivers as an acknowledgment of my appreciation for the job that they do, hoping to make their day just that little bit brighter.

No sooner had I turned to my right to make my way to a seat, when the professionally applied dressing, which had grown in size since last time I had looked, flew off my toe and under some elderly gentlemen’s seat. There it was, the amazing shooting clown toe striking a fellow bus passenger! After excusing myself, I bent down to gingerly retrieve my professionally applied toe dressing from between this guy’s legs and as soon as Operation Retrieval was complete, I quickly took my seat.

As luck would have it, the only seat available was one behind a knee-high plastic partition with very little leg room between the seat and said partition. As luck would doubly have it, some young guy with earphones and a laptop came and sat next to me and there was no room for me to bend down and reapply the professionally applied dressing. So, I spent the entire 20 minute journey, clutching my once professionally applied dressing and trying not to look at my toe and the sutures that were in it. Thankfully, my fellow passengers were spared the spectacle of my technicoloured and bloodied toe due to the presence of the partition.

IMG_1243Having alighted the bus, I found a patch of footpath out of harm’s way and unprofessionally reapplied the formerly professionally applied dressing. I still had about a seven minute walk to get to the office. One step, two… it was holding!! Three steps, four…incredible shooting clown toe strikes again although missing any human targets this time. There was no way around it, the only way this sucker was going to stay on was if I walked with my toe pointing to the sky.

Once at the office, I reapplied the dressing, this time using fresh supplies that Nurse Ratched had provided. However, peace was not to be had, incredible shooting clown toe struck again at lunchtime this time shooting through a crowded railway concourse. It was clearly time to tie this sucker down with professional first aid tape purchased from the chemist. Which I did and it held for the next three days.

Clown.
Clown. (Photo credit: Wikipedia)

I suppose having an incredible shooting clown toe is one way of meeting people, but I prefer more conventional means, like possibly bumping into someone or starting a conversation at the supermarket checkout line.

As a postscript, I had the sutures taken out today. Nurse Ratched was nowhere to be seen and I am now longing for the day when I can once again wear closed toe shoes in my professional life. Ah, simple pleasures!

Have you ever had medical services professionally applied, which you have had to later fix? Do you say hello to your daily bus driver? Have you ever wanted to be a bus driver?

About the curtain raiserhttp://raisingthecurtain.netI have spent my life in offices. For now I am putting that behind me and preparing for the second act. Middle age didn't come with acceptable signposts so I am making my own through my writing. A journey shared is more fun than going it solo.

35 thoughts on “Forget The Camel Toe… Introducing The Incredible Shooting Clown Toe

  1. Glad the procedure is behind you. My son would be quite impressed with your shooting bandage. Who needs a Nerf gun when you can fire bullets from your toe instead?!

  2. I have to answer no to all of your questions but am laughing as I do so.. hilarious post!!
    Her’s rooting for the closed-toe shoe!!

  3. Hysterical – even though it is mean to laugh at other’s misfortune or medical (mis)-treatment – there but for the grace of the deity of your choice go I… Well done. I seldom chortle at blog posts – but Ms Judy, you have hit a home run on this one 🙂 Glad no camels were hurt in the creation of this blog.
    .. And I have the calendar !

    • Excellent and may you continue to chortle through your day. And I would never hurt a camel. Possibly a mossie or two, maybe but never a camel! Can’t wait to see you guys and the calendar.

  4. Too funny. What a great example of a nurse not to have. Does that mean you are Randall P. McMurtry from “One Flew Over the Cuckoo’s Nest?” You reminded me when Louise Fletcher, the actress who played Nurse Ratched won the Oscar and was hissed because her role was so evil in the movie. Take care and have a safe recovery from your “professionally applied dressing.” BTG

    • Thanks OF, am now almost fully recovered and the shooting toe has been packed away, hopefully never to fire ever again. Nurse Ratched was such a quintessential character. so I’m not suprised she was hissed, although one hopes that she was a sweet person in real life!

      • Louise Fletcher was in Natalie Wood’s final movie with Christoper Walken. She actually played a gruff protagonist. I always think of those actors who played antagonist roles for all or most of their career – they are probably the kindest of people, yet they are remembered more for a few minutes of film. Glad the toe is better. Best regards from the Northern Hemisphere. BTG

  5. I understand your pain. Forty years ago I had an incompetent bush doctor in PNG perform five ‘wedge resection’ operations on my big toe to ‘cure’ repeated infections. On each occasion she failed to ‘dig’ deep enough and the problem kept returning and eventually I was sent to town and hospitalised for a week to have the job done properly. Amazing how much pain you can feel in a toe. Hope you are feeling better now, and fitting into your favourite shoes again.

  6. Quality writing here, in which you took experiences that obviously weren’t funny at all while you were having those experiences, and then you turned them all into amusing and skillfully done blog post humor. I was laughing while wincing on your behalf throughout, while reading about your ordeals, and I’m impressed with your “professionally applied” sense of humor here. The same cannot be said for “Nurse Ratched”, who should be in another line of work in which she is never responsible for professionally applying anything to anyone, who is in need of pain relief and recovery from sickness or injury. I hope that your “Incredible Shooting Clown Toe” has fired it’s last shot, and that you are now healing properly, while feeling better.

    • I laughed throughout reading this whole comment! Don’t ever change them. I would have loved to have seen the expression on your laughing whilst wincing face, the mind truly boggles :). Score as of today, shooting toe: 3, Nurse Ratched: 0.

      • Thanks! 🙂 That makes me happy! Is your shooting toe now aiming and shooting at Nurse Ratched? Lol – If so, at least your shooting toe is pitching a shutout, and since I know that you are a Red Sox fan, even though you live about 11,000 miles southwest of Boston, I know that you know what “pitching a shutout” means. (this past nightmare of a season, Red Sox fans knew it meant the Sox were losing yet again!) Did you ever tell me how you became a Red Sox fan? I’d love to know… and I hope that your toe is getting better.

      • Shooting toe is back in its holster, hopefully with the safety on and never to fire again.

        Thanks for the reminder of the disaster of last season, we try not to talk about it here, especially after the ending of the season before that one. But the good news is that one of my best friends is winging his way over from Canada for Christmas and bringing with him our Red Sox calendar for 2013. This way we can hang on to memories of the glories of seasons past and cook away under the watchful eye of our fave red Sox players hanging on the kitchen wall. And don’t worry the ripples of last season were felt all the way over here even through we are miles from the centre of the universe, namely Fenway.

        We adopted the Red Sox in 2004 with the World Series Win. It was a combination of the breaking of the Babe Ruth curse, a bloody sock, Curt Shilling (who we really liked from his days with the D-backs who were our first team), J Papelbon and Bostonian’s passion for basball. It doesn’t come any better. And now that we have made the sacred pilgrimage to Fenway, we are now Sox lifers.

        Hey, my comments are getting longer than yours 🙂

  7. Ah Judy… you always know how to make me laugh. With the amount of tape that I am wearing on my knee I should introduce Nurse Ratched to my Exercise Physiologist… “the Strapper” – they move for no-one!

    I don’t think that I ever wanted to be a bus driver but considering how much I rely on them, I always say “hello” when I hop on and “thanks” when I get off. We get a lot of international students where I work and one said that he was going to take the habit of saying “thank you” back home with him to the Philippines as he thought it was one of the best things that he learnt from his time in Australia… appreciating others no matter what role they have.

    • “The Strapper” sounds like he or she certainly means business :).

      What a great story about the Philippino student. A lot more Australians could also heed the message. A little bit of friendliness can sometimes make all the difference to someone’s day.

  8. Haha!! This was fabulously hilarious. I’m glad your toe is better. I once knew a bus driver named Bertie who would let me sit in his seat and wear his hat and nametag. In those moments, I realized that I liked being a Bertie better than being a bus driver. 🙂

    • Thanks rarasaur. When life hands you a sore toe, make lemonade or something like that :). And thanks so much for swinging by and commenting. It’s good to make your blogging acquaintance!

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