Rambunctious Girls and Sensetive Boys

Sugar and spice, is that truly what little girls are made of? Because frankly I have always had more affinity with snips and snails and puppy dog tails.

But what does this mean really? To me, gender stereotyping has always felt like a straight jacket.

This week my city hosted TedX Sydney 2016 at the Sydney Opera House. One of the speakers was US sociologist, Dr Michael Kimmel. Dr Kimmel is one of the leading advocates to have men support gender equality and has been called the world’s most prominent male feminist. He has written many books about the world of men and is a seasoned and popular speaker on this and related topics.

Ahead of Dr Kimmel’s appearance at TedX this week and article appeared in my news feed entitled How to Fix the Boy Crisis: What Does It Mean to be a Man Today? Being the mother of two sons, this immediately pricked my interest. The point of the article was that at the heart of the crisis is the notion of what it means to be a man and fundamentally that boys believe that academic engagement is a negation of their masculinity. The mantra of “real boys don’t study” is prominent and Dr Kimmel’s belief is that young men face this dilemma more than girls – be popular or study?

What caught my eye in the article though was this quote from Dr Kimmel:

We know from every psychological study that boys and girls are more similar and different. There are some differences in mean distribution but nothing categorically only seen in girls or boys. Children want to be dealt with as individuals, not stereotypes.

In response the article states: rambunctious girls and sensitive boys might relate.

As well they might. The application extends to adults as well, as rambunctious girls and sensitive boys do eventually grow up.

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Long after the profundity of this quote and the journalist’s response stopped resonating, I was left with the notion that perhaps there was enough room out there for a rambunctious woman with at least one sensitive son. Existing as an individual in a world which values conformity and social norms because they permit quick and easy classification is not for the faint hearted. One tends to spend a lifetime of seeking the inclusion, acceptance and understanding that for others seems so effortless.

But this article has given me cause to celebrate my rambunctious nature and has allowed me to put a few things in context. For example, what it means to be a rambunctious girl? To me it means:

You can express an opposing point of view just like anyone else.
Empathy can be shown in many ways, not just by being nurturing in a way that gender stereotyping of females has us believe is essential.
You can be direct and drop the faux nice.
You can be scathing and funny.
You can share banter with people who will not be offended.
You can make people accountable for their behaviour or their lack of behaviour.
You live without drama.
You may spend time dressing up and putting on makeup but are not mortified if anyone sees the real you dressed in your trackkies and ugg boots.

None of this makes a rambunctious girl a bitch. What makes a girl a bitch is passive aggressive behaviour. This is why groups of women are truly scary. Generally, my experience with them as a collective has been frustrating and intimidating. You can’t out bitch a bunch of bitches. Rambunctious girls will generally tell you if there is an issue to your face and they expect you to do the same. We are not avoiders.

Marlene-Dietrich-wearing-her-trademark-mens-suit It has also crystallised that there is a huge difference between being nice and being kind. Kindness is genuine, unconditional and a way of being without compromising one’s own integrity or boundaries. Nice on the other hand is doing what is expected so that feathers aren’t ruffled, conflict is avoided. Nice is a mask, it is fake and good ideas and progress never come out of nice.

So to all the rambunctious girls, a reminder that femininity comes in all shapes and guises and none of them have to do with pink frills, kitten heels, sugar or spice. Your gender does not define you and neither does society’s expectation simply because you carry double X chromosomes. Wearing a dress and heels, being nuturing or emotional may make you girly, but wearing your individuality makes you truly spectacular and it never goes out of style.

Judgement With Your Coffee? One Lump or Two?

Are you fanatical about your flat white, crazy about your cappuccino or desperate for decaf?

Coffee seems to be the drink on everyone’s lips these days. Whether you can’t function until you have had your first cup in the morning or spread your coffee load throughout the day, coffee seems to be the brew that illicits emotion and conversation. Ever wondered what your coffee choice says about you?

The answers from the National Coffee Choice Report, commissioned by DéLonghi may surprise you. The findings, which pertain to Australia, are reported in this article from the Adelaide Advertiser and indeed many other Australian online news outlets. No need to spend your hard-earned dollars to talk to a therapist to reveal your personality type or anyone elses and no need to waste pesky time actually engaging with others, just focus on the drink.

The report reveals that if you are a flat white drinker, you are likely to be considered down to earth, laid back and boring. Order a latte and you’re high maintenance but make sure you hang around with cappuccino drinkers who are considered fun. Alternatively, you can bask in the success of an espresso-lover, but be sure to stay clear of those arrogant macchiato mavens.

All very interesting and somewhat disturbing. Have we really progressed to judging ourselves and others not by their depth, but by the depth of their coffee cups? Has coffee become the new Rolex?

Apparently so, according to the findings in this report, at least in this country, because the Report apparently also found that bankers and accountants admit to showing off by ordering stronger coffee and that people change their coffee order depending on who they are with. So perception really is more important than reality.

Just like in the great Steve Martin coffee ordering scene from LA Story, below.

What would Steve Martin’s coffee order say about the character he played in the movie? Creative, trend setter or just disorganised and confused?

And what about these favorites?

Turkish/Italian espresso – spoon contortionist or fashionable leader?
Hot chocolate with marshmallow – a push over or a sweet-toothed nurturer?
Decaf – a passive aggressive faker or health conscious intellectual?
Coffee drunk really hot – a person without taste buds or boot camp lover?
Coffee drunk weak – coward or individualistic and head strong?
Irish coffee – sneaky or fun-loving?

No doubt there are many others.

Up to this point, I had no idea that I was being judged on my coffee choice.

What disturbs me is that this is not a fluffy phone poll undertaken by a lifestyle magazine, but a piece of research commissed by a coffee machine maker who will no doubt use this report to make marketing and manufacturing decisions. It indicates that we really do judge others based on the superficial and that we feel compelled to change our personal preferences to play to perceptions.

I think I’ll stick to my choice of cappuccino and lattes. In fact, what does it say that I mix up my coffee preference? There goes Judy, she’s just such a maverick [sigh].

Note to self: as an espresso hater avoid all future meetings with bankers and accountants.

Supplemental note to self: the last meeting I had with a banker he asked for a cup of hot water. As in no coffee. Was he really an alien?

Are you game enough to reveal to us your coffee preference?

E is for Emotional Accessibility, Equality and Egalitarian

photo flikr - Nina Matthews photography

Let me start this post by saying I am not a person with a disability. I’m not saying this to make myself sound superior, better or normal (whatever that means?). I’m simply laying my cards on the table because this post will be about disability and there are those that will no doubt question my standing to write on this topic. I get that. To you, I say fair enough but if you want a truly equal and accessible world then it has to work both ways. You need to let me in too and together we can advocate with strength.

Having several friends who have a disability, I am passionate about the topics of disabled rights, accessibility and equality. So naturally, a newspaper article headed “Access all Areas” caught my eye a couple of weeks ago. The article focused on how a beachside suburb in Sydney was transforming itself into a tourism mecca for people with disabilities – heralded as a world’s first. The suburb is Collaroy and involves considerable redevelopment of the area including Colloroy Beach (pools, surf life saving club and playground), the construction of an accessible bed and breakfast and a residential facility for people with spinal cord injury (SCI). The commercial strip is also to be redeveloped with the intention that the precinct be a showcase of what inclusion is all about. It is the brainchild of Gary Blaschke, the founder of the Disabled Surfers Association. Warringah Council are also involved. At this point I say “where is the “like, like, like” button”?

The article points out that there is no point in creating a world-class SCI facility if its residents are effectively excluded from the community once they leave the front gate. I discovered that putting in ramps and removing other physical barriers is only part of the story. It was here that I received my introduction to the concept of “emotional accessibility”.

Never having heard the expression, I entered Google University and went in search of more information. At first I thought it had something to do with showing more emotion and making your feelings more known to others (which in a way I suppose it does). Google University proved a little disappointing – there was not much I could find. From my readings “emotional accessibility” seems to encompass the notions of being welcoming, receptive and making people with a disability feel valued. So this got me thinking about how much emotional accessibility do I create.

To me the expression connotes something more than just emotional intelligence. It’s about opening up your eyes and your heart and building bridges to negate the obvious differences. Barriers here, barriers there, barriers every where to break down and I’m not just talking about the physical ones. We all weep, feel emotions and bleed red blood.

My friends who are disabled are some of the most amazingly talented people I know. Whether they are writers, singers, business owners or professionals they each bring a unique piece of fabric to my friendship matrix. They are just good eggs.

Do I totally look past the wheelchair and the disability? No I don’t and I don’t believe my friends would want me to. It’s a part of who they are, but it does not define them. These things are not the first or even second thing I think of when I think of them. They have taught me much about relationships, life, attitudes, myself and last but not least, disability. I thank them for the education.

My dream is for a truly accessible and egalitarian society. I have mentored disabled students as a small first step towards this dream. I am hoping to bulldoze my way through a few more barriers in the future.

poster from zazzle.com

This my friends, is an emotionally accessible blog site.

Do you practice emotional accessibility?

C is for Cliques: When Mean Girls Grow Up

photo from flikr - chrisinplymouth photo stream

Women are wonderful, truly! I am grateful for each and every one of my female friendships. All of my female friends add different things to the pot pourri of my life.

I have an admission to make. It wasn’t until recently that I developed a real understanding of what it means to not only have but to be a good female friend. It’s funny how middle age has focused my lenses about certain matters. Looking back at my first act, I can see that I approached my female friendships with a certain wariness. I have a sense that I am now playing catch up. Better the getting of wisdom late than never.

Recently, I found I’m not alone in what was my wariness. I happened upon a book, The Twisted Sisterhood by Kelly Valen which explores the negative side of female relationships. It is a fascinating read and it demonstrates that women from all walks of life and levels of education have suffered at the hands of a fellow sister or several sisters. The behaviour cited tends to be insidious, passive aggressive and enduring. It seems to be particularly magnified when tribes or cliques of women are involved. This bears out my own personal experience of finding it easier to relate to women one on one than in a pack.

What I don’t get is why this adolescent sort of behaviour has to translate into adulthood. I have no issue with women bonding with each other over common interests or experiences. There is much solace and comfort to be gained from sharing. But does this have to come at the expense of the feelings of those that are not part of the sharing? Why does clique thinking have to be so black and white?

I’m in, she’s out.

I can’t be friends with her when I am with my clique.

I’m in the know, she’s not and she’s different.

And so it goes. Bonding through mutual jealously and dislike for others is anything but positive. Bitching and creating barriers and territories is short-sighted. Emphasising difference is self -defeating.

I have seen women who are wonderful change when they are in the company of a clique or when they encounter a conflict between their own personal interests and that of their clique. From friend to frenemy in a blink of an eye. Most of us have insecurities in some way shape or form – but clique thinking only serves to feed these.

We all need to be a little kinder to our fellow sisters and a little bit more aware of our effect on others. We also all need to be kinder to ourselves and give ourselves permission to be who we are. Doing so, will only serve to make the world a better place and open ourselves to a wider array of friendships and more meaningful and empowering experiances.

After all, isn’t that what life is really about?

This post is part of the Blogging from A to Z April Challenge